I'm Gonna Take This Shite and Make it Nevergreen
A music critic once described the Eurovision Song Contest as a cultural anomaly, having little or nothing to do with the popular music of the day, the music industry, commercially viable artists or the world in general. If this is the case, Malta is to the Eurovision Song Contest what the Eurovision Song Contest is to the world. Home of the Nevergreen (a song out of date in whatever decade it is placed), it is no wonder that Ralph Siegel has applied for refugee status there after having his right to artistic expression banned in Deutschland.
This year's Maltese Eurovision final takes place on Saturday night and the big story is of course the return of Chiara. 3rd in Birmingham, 2nd in Kyiv. This time her journey back to the Maltese final has been one with many ups and downs. After the 2005 contest in Kyiv Chiara released her own fitness video in Malta ‘Dance Away Your Flab with Chiara'. The DVD was a huge success and she got her own weight down to 9 stone.
“I was feeling great. I had never known what it was like to be a thin person. I had a whole new status in Malta."
Despite the thinness, the accolades, reality tv appearances and tv hosting gigs, there was still something missing. Her Eurovision Crown. Soon after Malta had failed again to get through the 2008 semis, she was resolved to give it another go.
"My manager was keen to leave nothing to chance. We even discussed me going through a female to male gender reassignment and then another operation to take me back to female so I would be Eurovision’s first double transsexual, outdoing any pesky transsexuals that may end up in the eurofinals. He also wanted me to consider putting the weight back on, so I would be easily recognisable as the real Diva, Chiara. This was out of the question for me. I had worked so hard to lose that weight and I was feeling so good about myself that I didn’t want to go back.”
However in the run-up to the Maltese submission deadline Chiara mysteriously began to gain weight anyway.
“My diet hadn’t changed, I was still doing the exactly the same amount of exercise. I was at a loss. I should not have been gaining weight the way I was. I was miserable. Everyone was talking. The sales of my fitness DVDs crashed through the floor.”
It transpired that Chiara’s manager had been feeding her cakes intravenously as she slept. “Of course when I found out I was outraged. I felt betrayed. I wanted to sack him. I locked myself up in my bedroom and didn’t speak to anyone for 11 days. I wanted to do some really crazy things to him.”
As these 11 days passed Chiara had time to reflect on what her manager had done. “He sent me a letter apologising, assuring me it had been for my own good. He told me in this letter it was my destiny to return to Eurovision and win for Malta on my third attempt. To do this I would have to give the public what they wanted: the Chiara they know and love. Not some skinny bitch. I owed it to the fans and I owed it to Malta. I had to go back to Eurovision, I had to put the weight back on. I realised it was a matter of national, no, international importance that I gain the weight. Fast.”
Since then Chiara has been in training following a strict regime in preparation for this weekend’s Maltese final.
“I have been training for the last four months. My diet for Moscow Eurovision is as carefully prepared as Michael Phelps' was for Beijing Olympics. I am eating cake, a lot of cake. And also the odd sausage sandwich. I am almost back to the ideal Eurovision weight.”
With the pounds back on and the battle with her weight now won, the only question that remains is could anything else competing in Valetta on Saturday get in the way of Chiara fulfilling her Eurodestiny?
The short answer is: no. However in the run up to Chiara’s coronation there will be plenty to keep us entertained.
Ludwig 'on again off again' Galea may have got the heave-ho in an earlier round but the spirt of Opera is present in many of the other finalists. We have Life is an Opera and The aforementioned German refugee Ralph Siegel's Tonight at the Opera which sounds a bit like something from the Pirates of Penzance having a one night stand with the Going for Gold theme tune. Even if they have managed to leave 'Opera' out of the title that is no guarantee you're safe (see for example the Bonnie Raith and Liza Minelli Duet 'Avalon' ). Heartfelt ecological conscience award goes to 'One Million Ways' containging the lyrics "Climate change is taking place, risking all the human race". Will do more than 'An Inconvenient Truth'.
My top two to keep an eye out for:
Name: Baklava. Job: Kamikaze Lover. Formerly violinist for Olivia Lewis. Motivation: Love Love Love. Destination: Hot Hot Hot!
Phantom of the Opera (that 'O' just won't go) organ intro which gives way to a violin riff which is part Phantom part 'Polly put the kettle on'. Robert Myles beat. No sung melody just speaking fake whispered in the style of the French resistance in 'allo 'allo except much more sinister. Secret Garden eat your heart out! Despite having shat himself just before going on stage he manages to keep smouldering at all times. All of Malta quivers. Good man.
This next one is my absolute favourite. He's what we call in the business a Triple Talent. The boy can sing, dance and act. Kick turn turn kick! A song that Count von Count would have been proud of: "Turdy-four take me out for more!"
I was intending to finish this post with some comments about how I wasn't mad about either of Chiara's other Eurosongs on first listen and that this one could be a grower, that I wouldn't begrudge her her place in Moscow and that I would even be pleased if she managed to win the whole thing. Instead I will leave you with this:
Destination: Hot Hot Hot. Don't have nightmares. Do sleep well.
This year's Maltese Eurovision final takes place on Saturday night and the big story is of course the return of Chiara. 3rd in Birmingham, 2nd in Kyiv. This time her journey back to the Maltese final has been one with many ups and downs. After the 2005 contest in Kyiv Chiara released her own fitness video in Malta ‘Dance Away Your Flab with Chiara'. The DVD was a huge success and she got her own weight down to 9 stone.
“I was feeling great. I had never known what it was like to be a thin person. I had a whole new status in Malta."
Despite the thinness, the accolades, reality tv appearances and tv hosting gigs, there was still something missing. Her Eurovision Crown. Soon after Malta had failed again to get through the 2008 semis, she was resolved to give it another go.
"My manager was keen to leave nothing to chance. We even discussed me going through a female to male gender reassignment and then another operation to take me back to female so I would be Eurovision’s first double transsexual, outdoing any pesky transsexuals that may end up in the eurofinals. He also wanted me to consider putting the weight back on, so I would be easily recognisable as the real Diva, Chiara. This was out of the question for me. I had worked so hard to lose that weight and I was feeling so good about myself that I didn’t want to go back.”
However in the run-up to the Maltese submission deadline Chiara mysteriously began to gain weight anyway.
“My diet hadn’t changed, I was still doing the exactly the same amount of exercise. I was at a loss. I should not have been gaining weight the way I was. I was miserable. Everyone was talking. The sales of my fitness DVDs crashed through the floor.”
It transpired that Chiara’s manager had been feeding her cakes intravenously as she slept. “Of course when I found out I was outraged. I felt betrayed. I wanted to sack him. I locked myself up in my bedroom and didn’t speak to anyone for 11 days. I wanted to do some really crazy things to him.”
As these 11 days passed Chiara had time to reflect on what her manager had done. “He sent me a letter apologising, assuring me it had been for my own good. He told me in this letter it was my destiny to return to Eurovision and win for Malta on my third attempt. To do this I would have to give the public what they wanted: the Chiara they know and love. Not some skinny bitch. I owed it to the fans and I owed it to Malta. I had to go back to Eurovision, I had to put the weight back on. I realised it was a matter of national, no, international importance that I gain the weight. Fast.”
Since then Chiara has been in training following a strict regime in preparation for this weekend’s Maltese final.
“I have been training for the last four months. My diet for Moscow Eurovision is as carefully prepared as Michael Phelps' was for Beijing Olympics. I am eating cake, a lot of cake. And also the odd sausage sandwich. I am almost back to the ideal Eurovision weight.”
With the pounds back on and the battle with her weight now won, the only question that remains is could anything else competing in Valetta on Saturday get in the way of Chiara fulfilling her Eurodestiny?
The short answer is: no. However in the run up to Chiara’s coronation there will be plenty to keep us entertained.
Ludwig 'on again off again' Galea may have got the heave-ho in an earlier round but the spirt of Opera is present in many of the other finalists. We have Life is an Opera and The aforementioned German refugee Ralph Siegel's Tonight at the Opera which sounds a bit like something from the Pirates of Penzance having a one night stand with the Going for Gold theme tune. Even if they have managed to leave 'Opera' out of the title that is no guarantee you're safe (see for example the Bonnie Raith and Liza Minelli Duet 'Avalon' ). Heartfelt ecological conscience award goes to 'One Million Ways' containging the lyrics "Climate change is taking place, risking all the human race". Will do more than 'An Inconvenient Truth'.
My top two to keep an eye out for:
Name: Baklava. Job: Kamikaze Lover. Formerly violinist for Olivia Lewis. Motivation: Love Love Love. Destination: Hot Hot Hot!
Phantom of the Opera (that 'O' just won't go) organ intro which gives way to a violin riff which is part Phantom part 'Polly put the kettle on'. Robert Myles beat. No sung melody just speaking fake whispered in the style of the French resistance in 'allo 'allo except much more sinister. Secret Garden eat your heart out! Despite having shat himself just before going on stage he manages to keep smouldering at all times. All of Malta quivers. Good man.
This next one is my absolute favourite. He's what we call in the business a Triple Talent. The boy can sing, dance and act. Kick turn turn kick! A song that Count von Count would have been proud of: "Turdy-four take me out for more!"
I was intending to finish this post with some comments about how I wasn't mad about either of Chiara's other Eurosongs on first listen and that this one could be a grower, that I wouldn't begrudge her her place in Moscow and that I would even be pleased if she managed to win the whole thing. Instead I will leave you with this:
Destination: Hot Hot Hot. Don't have nightmares. Do sleep well.
Comments
Juries will love it, televoters will love it, I will love it if she does that 'hm-mm sister!' wiggly head thing in the bridge before the last chorus. It's gonna be 3-2-1 and third time lucky for Chiara. I'm putting my bet on asap.