LIVE: Netherlands select
For as long as I can bear, I am going to watch and comment on the Dutch national final, which has just begun streaming here. God, the Ding-a-Dong woman is on the jury. Brilliant.
My understanding is that male vocal showbandy group De Toppers will sing 6 songs, from which a combined televote and jury decision will determine the song for Moscow. I really don't hold out much hope for this at all and expect six almost-identical, cheesy bop-a-long ditties that will hold nothing of interest for anyone outside the Netherlands (or perhaps just the studio from which the show is being broadcast). I would be delighted to be wrong. I am currently being treated to a kind of tongue-in-cheek summary of De Toppers' "Eurovision journey" so far.
19:33 Song 1: Our Night Well, the studio looks good, and De Toppers have appeared in glittering suits (a nod to Jade Ewen, methinks). This has some pleasing group singing but it's not uplifting enough to fit the lyrics. There are women in the audience wearing fur-trimmed cowboy hats a la some hen night in Blackpool. Next!
The host has used the word lecker, which I, according to a Dutch colleague, can pronounce perfectly. I'm great. Anyway, lecker means something like "fab", "great". I think it has been used out of turn on this occasion. I think the jury liked it too.
19:38 Song 2: Angel of the Night It seems the word 'night' is to the Netherlands what 'time' is to the UK. This one is good craic. Mysterious opening with solo bits from all three Toppers. There is a girl dressed as an angel flying in the air. And suddenly it's ruined. The quick beat has kicked in and, well, it's gone kind of crap. It has a wee sniff of something a bit Bond-y and they're doing some good falsetto. Ooh, there's some big girls on backing vocals... juicy. It's just soooo like a showband on RTE. I can't really get beyond that but this is better than Song 1.
Oh, I think the 1st grey-haired jury member might not like it. I love the way they say "Toppers". All looking a bit serious. Song 3 please.
19:43 Some Dutch people are singing a Euro-medley. 'Eres tu'. Even this sounds like it's at a Dickie Rock concert. Now both of old Cliff's Eurovision songs. Feather boas are being shaken in the audience. Now Brotherhood of Man. That face in the purple suit... I need a moment. Now 'What's another year?'. Who's gonna tackle Molitva?
It's finally wound up after 'Hallelujah'.
19:51 Song 3: Everybody can be a Star If I see another pink hat I'll squeeze out a tear. This one starts with some thooper falsetto. This is the cheesiest so far. "This is your chance". "This is your moment" - hang on a cock-a-doody minute...HOW DARE THEY!!!! MY MY MY MY MYYYYYY THYME!!! MY MOMENT! copyright ALW!
This is like a cup of luke-warm tea in a snowstorm. Unsatisfying, and annoying because you'd rather not have to hold anything in a blizzard. I think the jury are going to have vomit soon. I think the bald one in glasses has said it sounded a bit cheesy to him. That's what I wanted him to say. He probably said it's the most beautiful and original thing he's ever seen performed.
19:57 Song 4: Three is the Magic Number There's some faux-reggae in this one in which they appear to suggest some sort of group activity involving three people. Halfway through a kind of maddening turbo-folk beat kicks in which makes you feel like you might lose your mind. This is truly, truly horrifying. God help me.
It's gone down a real storm in the hall. Miserable. what is wrong with these people? The baldy judge has said something about "high tempo", "high energy". Another elderly jurist says something positive also. I want to die.
Bang on 20:00, a medley of Nationaal Songfestival numbers. Ding-a-Dong is on now. I'll bet that Zoe Ball look-a-like is raging. She's writing something down - it could be "Off with their Heads!" if we're lucky.
I wonder if Hell is like this? No, at least Phil Spector will be there and he's funny to look at.
I'm beginning to get to the point where the only things about this show that could possibly impress me would be 1. the end, now. or 2. factual assurance that the Dutch have invented a genuine time-machine and I am witnessing something that is happening in 1977.
20:08 Song 5: No One Loves Me Like You Sixties-style with the boys in pilot's costumes and the backing ladies in white wigs. This is - surprise, surprise - highly derivative but generally quite pleasant. The 60s backing vocals are nice, and it's much more measured than that, that thing that came before. My money is with this so far, or Song 2 because there's flying/witch burning potential in that.
Have I just lost my mind or was this one really ok? I want my mum.
Madame Ding-a-Dong has spoken. I dunno what she said. The other woman is speaking. She has described this one as 'not bad', as has the younger grey man. Song 4 is looking very threatening.
20:13 Song 6: Shine "Love will make us glow in the dark". Is this the best lyric in the world?
Suddenly we've fast-forwarded to 1997 (which is contemporary for ESC, non??). De Toppers have lights embedded in their gloves (Copyright Slovenia 2007). right, I really have lost my mind because this is alright. It's a good balance between something far too boybandy for these old gits and the usual shawaddwadddy nonsense they trot out. Think "Fly on the Wings of Love" (but of course not nearly as good).
Everyone is waving along. It is possible, just possible, that we will be saved from Three is the Magic Number.
We've just had an ad for Moscow, and now there's a re-cap of the six songs. Still think no. 2 is worth a whirl. Terribly dated but dramatic. I hate Song 3. Song 4 will be playing on some totalitarian dictator's iPod as s/he presses the nuke button to mark the beginning of WWIII and the end of the world. Song 5 is perhaps a little worse than I thought - I was so relieved earlier. Song 6 is my pick of a very, very ropey bunch.
Results at 21:25 GMT.
My understanding is that male vocal showbandy group De Toppers will sing 6 songs, from which a combined televote and jury decision will determine the song for Moscow. I really don't hold out much hope for this at all and expect six almost-identical, cheesy bop-a-long ditties that will hold nothing of interest for anyone outside the Netherlands (or perhaps just the studio from which the show is being broadcast). I would be delighted to be wrong. I am currently being treated to a kind of tongue-in-cheek summary of De Toppers' "Eurovision journey" so far.
19:33 Song 1: Our Night Well, the studio looks good, and De Toppers have appeared in glittering suits (a nod to Jade Ewen, methinks). This has some pleasing group singing but it's not uplifting enough to fit the lyrics. There are women in the audience wearing fur-trimmed cowboy hats a la some hen night in Blackpool. Next!
The host has used the word lecker, which I, according to a Dutch colleague, can pronounce perfectly. I'm great. Anyway, lecker means something like "fab", "great". I think it has been used out of turn on this occasion. I think the jury liked it too.
19:38 Song 2: Angel of the Night It seems the word 'night' is to the Netherlands what 'time' is to the UK. This one is good craic. Mysterious opening with solo bits from all three Toppers. There is a girl dressed as an angel flying in the air. And suddenly it's ruined. The quick beat has kicked in and, well, it's gone kind of crap. It has a wee sniff of something a bit Bond-y and they're doing some good falsetto. Ooh, there's some big girls on backing vocals... juicy. It's just soooo like a showband on RTE. I can't really get beyond that but this is better than Song 1.
Oh, I think the 1st grey-haired jury member might not like it. I love the way they say "Toppers". All looking a bit serious. Song 3 please.
19:43 Some Dutch people are singing a Euro-medley. 'Eres tu'. Even this sounds like it's at a Dickie Rock concert. Now both of old Cliff's Eurovision songs. Feather boas are being shaken in the audience. Now Brotherhood of Man. That face in the purple suit... I need a moment. Now 'What's another year?'. Who's gonna tackle Molitva?
It's finally wound up after 'Hallelujah'.
19:51 Song 3: Everybody can be a Star If I see another pink hat I'll squeeze out a tear. This one starts with some thooper falsetto. This is the cheesiest so far. "This is your chance". "This is your moment" - hang on a cock-a-doody minute...HOW DARE THEY!!!! MY MY MY MY MYYYYYY THYME!!! MY MOMENT! copyright ALW!
This is like a cup of luke-warm tea in a snowstorm. Unsatisfying, and annoying because you'd rather not have to hold anything in a blizzard. I think the jury are going to have vomit soon. I think the bald one in glasses has said it sounded a bit cheesy to him. That's what I wanted him to say. He probably said it's the most beautiful and original thing he's ever seen performed.
19:57 Song 4: Three is the Magic Number There's some faux-reggae in this one in which they appear to suggest some sort of group activity involving three people. Halfway through a kind of maddening turbo-folk beat kicks in which makes you feel like you might lose your mind. This is truly, truly horrifying. God help me.
It's gone down a real storm in the hall. Miserable. what is wrong with these people? The baldy judge has said something about "high tempo", "high energy". Another elderly jurist says something positive also. I want to die.
Bang on 20:00, a medley of Nationaal Songfestival numbers. Ding-a-Dong is on now. I'll bet that Zoe Ball look-a-like is raging. She's writing something down - it could be "Off with their Heads!" if we're lucky.
I wonder if Hell is like this? No, at least Phil Spector will be there and he's funny to look at.
I'm beginning to get to the point where the only things about this show that could possibly impress me would be 1. the end, now. or 2. factual assurance that the Dutch have invented a genuine time-machine and I am witnessing something that is happening in 1977.
20:08 Song 5: No One Loves Me Like You Sixties-style with the boys in pilot's costumes and the backing ladies in white wigs. This is - surprise, surprise - highly derivative but generally quite pleasant. The 60s backing vocals are nice, and it's much more measured than that, that thing that came before. My money is with this so far, or Song 2 because there's flying/witch burning potential in that.
Have I just lost my mind or was this one really ok? I want my mum.
Madame Ding-a-Dong has spoken. I dunno what she said. The other woman is speaking. She has described this one as 'not bad', as has the younger grey man. Song 4 is looking very threatening.
20:13 Song 6: Shine "Love will make us glow in the dark". Is this the best lyric in the world?
Suddenly we've fast-forwarded to 1997 (which is contemporary for ESC, non??). De Toppers have lights embedded in their gloves (Copyright Slovenia 2007). right, I really have lost my mind because this is alright. It's a good balance between something far too boybandy for these old gits and the usual shawaddwadddy nonsense they trot out. Think "Fly on the Wings of Love" (but of course not nearly as good).
Everyone is waving along. It is possible, just possible, that we will be saved from Three is the Magic Number.
We've just had an ad for Moscow, and now there's a re-cap of the six songs. Still think no. 2 is worth a whirl. Terribly dated but dramatic. I hate Song 3. Song 4 will be playing on some totalitarian dictator's iPod as s/he presses the nuke button to mark the beginning of WWIII and the end of the world. Song 5 is perhaps a little worse than I thought - I was so relieved earlier. Song 6 is my pick of a very, very ropey bunch.
Results at 21:25 GMT.
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