Honest to God, though. Seriously, though.

UK citizens, what I am about to write below demands your full attention. It may make for difficult reading, but I genuinely have your best interests at heart.

I honestly (to God, though. Seriously, though) believe that you should VOTE FOR CYNDI in the UK's "Making Your Mind Up" national final (BBC1, 7.30pm). And, in the words of my dear Simon Cowell, "I'll tell you why":

1. Dignity - This is something that goes more than a little way in the voting when the Eurovision final comes round. Many people are deluded into thinking that the sparklier and slaggier the performance, the bigger the score. This is incorrect. If your song is slaggy, it also needs to be good to climb the scoreboard. Go figure - it's not called the Eurovision Song Contest for the craic. And having listened to the songs on offer from MYMU 4, none really display this critical combination. Cyndi's ballad might seem too safe, but I'd rather be wearing sensible shoes in a Volvo estate than riding a motorcycle in a tiara and a thong. D'ya get me?
2. Difference - Now, here's the thing. In one of our regular late-night Euroconferences, Mr Thompson pointed out that there are very few ballads in this year's line-up for Helsinki. Even Ireland and Malta, the Mariah and Whitney of Eurovision slow numbers, have produced reasonably mid-tempo songs this year. There's a niche to be filled. Ok, it doesn't always pay off to send in an old slushy number (cf Glennis Grace and poor old Lise Darly in 2005) but Cyndi's "I'll leave my heart" has a simplicity that could really be a strength. And please don't even THINK about dismissing me with "but it's a complete rip-off of Loch Lomond and You Raise Me Up". For a start, "You Raise Me Up" is a complete rip-off of Danny Boy. What goes around comes around. Furthermore, there was more than a nod to "Loch Lomond" in BK's "Every Song..." of 2006 and it didn't do him any harm.
If we consider the only decent alternative to Cyndi in the MYMU selection, Justin Hawkins -

"Yes, yer man from The Darkness"

"Jeez, aren't they too famous to be in the Eurovision??"

"You are mistaken. The Darkness split years ago. He left the band - apparently he couldn't hack the fame - and then he
had all sorts of problems and went into rehab"

"God, I didn't know that. Well now the Eurovision thing makes
sense. Isn't it terrible how some people end up?"

- he would have a very similar glam-rock style competitor in Helsinki in the form of Sweden's The Ark. And the problem with that is that The Ark take a pretty basic arrangement and melody and make it sparkle with some witty lyrics, while "Hawkins and Brown" take some pretty good instrumentals and garnish them with the sounds of two of Alvin's chipmunk friends being disembowelled with a plastic spoon. I think that if I ever had the extreme misfortune to lose my mind and wreck the house, this is the music that the voices in my head would be singing as I smashed the plates against the wall.
3. Dijon - Well, I needed to stick with the 3 "Ds", didn't I? I don't even know whence Cyndi hails, but it's somewhere in France, and besides I like mustard. Anyway, I think this is an important, but not crucial, factor in why Cyndi would help to revive the floundering state of the UK in Eurovision. Let's all agree on something: the UK is not popular in Europe. We don't need to go into the whys and wherefores, but what better way to improve the chances of some neighbourly votes from the other side of La Manche than to put one of their own forward as our representative in Helsinki? I don't think this can be underestimated. EBU viewers like nothing more than a big lets-join-hands-round-the-world gesture to set the heart alight. A French singer for the UK would do nicely - also forming a pretty neat mirror to Les Fatals Picards Frenchman-pretending-to-be-English-trying-to-sing-in-French.

Now, read all that and tell me that you think Scooch should go through "because Eurovision is all about having a laugh". It won't be funny when I turn up at your door and glue those headphones to your ears with Mando's "Never Let You Go" on loop. Don't push me.Please vote wisely.