Does anyone have any points for the turkey?
“There are not words to speak of
There are not words to say
There are not songs to sing on
News days like today
There’s only time to carry
These darkest doubts away
There’s only hope to cling to
On days like today
Should hang our heads in shame
What we’ve done in (Carola's) name
Should hang our heads in shame
Only ourselves to blame”
I am only just now coming round from my weekend rage. I hadn’t been that angry since the invasion of Iraq. For quite a while after I had that horrible exhausted feeling that you get when you’ve had a really bad argument with someone.
Horror as Scooch make the final two. Joy as Cyndi is announced as the winner. Confusion. Horror. Despair. Darkness. Should we blame Wogie for this emotional battering?
Many Eurofans have wanted him publicly burned for a lot less than this. I have a deep (some would say unhealthy) love for this man and would consider myself a TYG. In spite of all the recent flack, I’m not giving up on you Wogie. However, this is the sort of mistake that the Wogmeister would crucify a Eurovision presenter for in his commentary. Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy? Ant and Shriek? Amazing Menounous? Not one of them made such a fatal error. A seasoned pro who enjoys dishing out derision and downright contempt should be above this sort of farce if he wants to keep dishing. That said, I think his mistake pales into insignificance when compared with the biggest mistake of the night.
“But this is what Eurovision is all about! Fun!” No. Gina G was fun. Gildo Horn was fun. Alf Poier was fun. Daz Sampson was fun. At a push Silvia Night was fun. Even Hitler had a certain amusement factor with that funny little moustache. Watching the Scooch Air diaster is about as fun as being slapped in the face with a wet shit.
“Would you like a something to suck on for landing sir?” Fuck off.
Who is going to be reformed especially for Eurovision next? The bubonic plague? Smallpox? No, that’s not fair. At least we’ve heard of these.
Can someone please explain how in the space of a few short weeks we took the leap from Morrissey to Scooch? I said that I had a sinking feeling that this could happen, but I never really thought that the worse case scenario would actually come to pass. To think I was worried that Lisa Scott Lee would be involved! Ha! The whole sorry mockery of a sham is the equivalent of being tempted into a restaurant with the promise of a Mitchelin five star gastronomic delight. When you sit down at your table you are presented with a menu that comprises of the same happy meal five times but with five different toys. Perhaps you should try the special instead?: “I see that today’s special is a turd sandwich. Could I go for that please? Hold the anchovies but can we get an extra helping of disgusting-crude-innuendo? Actually do you have any humour free disgusting-crude-innuendo? I’m humour intolerant. Also do you have any low fat dairy creamer?”.
A poor man’s Steps? There has never been a better reason for charity. The poorest of the poor should be able to afford a better Steps rip off than this. Bear this in mind the next time you pass someone selling the big issue. Give generously.
Is it too late to put things right?
We could build a time machine and travel back to St Patricks day 2007 and push Fern Cotton off stage just after the announcement so she doesn’t get a chance to make the "correction".
We could try to have it disqualified. All we have to do is prove it had an airing before rules allow. This is unlikely though as it sounds like it was written on the morning that the MYMU line up was announced.
In the immediate aftermath I hastily considered cancelling Eurovision in our house this year. I quickly realised that this would be too much. How to respond? I am not one for booing and did not enjoy the carryon last year with Silvia Night and Lithuania. Perhaps on the 12th of May we could ‘Woooo’ at Scooch instead, just like they do at the end of Dangerous Liaisons when Michelle Pfiffer dies her society death at the opera. Or we could put a bunch of flowers in front of the tv. Broadcasters in the Lebanon replaced the Israeli entry with a picture of a bunch of flowers one year They cut the transmission completely when it looked liked the old side-ways strut had taken an unassailable lead in the voting. Desperate times. Desperate measures. In the unlikely event of an emergency…
I am getting this all wrong. We should not be focusing on solutions. We should be thinking about who we can blame.
Richard and Judy. If it had not been for these two getting caught pulling the wool over people’s eyes with ‘You say we pay’, we would not have the current hysteria over televoting. Without those independent scrutineers breathing down their necks, the Beeb were bound to have put Cyndi through in a vote fix special. Maybe this is how Wogangate occurred. No one had tipped him off that things had to be done honestly this year.
The Greeks. They come up with that democracy thing didn’t they? Let the people have their say. It got George Bush re-elected (let’s face it that first time wasn’t democracy) and now look what it has done. Thank you Athens and goodnight.
The Great British Public and their infinite wisdumb. Rule Britania, Britania Ruins the Waves. This includes myself as I did not vote. Honest to God though, seriously though. What were we thinking? That dark haired fella is so sinister: manically straining and over-pronouncing (stage school wasn’t wasted) every innuendo as if someone has slipped him a laxative and he’s clinching for dear life. One co-passenger on Scooch airlines was heard to say this flight attendant had the look of someone who would knock you over to get to a sex-on-the-beach at GAY. The blonde one (Quizcall 2am Channel 5- and to think I was indignant about the participation of Liz and Brian ‘reality stars’) is a poster boy for all people who definitely should not be smug but definitely are. A face crying out to be slapped. The airline gimmick isn’t even original. It was done (and done a good deal better too) FIVE years ago by Slovenian transvestite airhostesses.
The only small blessing is that when this crash lands in Helsinki, there can be no doubt about why it happened. The black box will show that it was not because of Eastern European neighbourly voting nor British unpopularity because of the war in Iraq. It is because it was shit. Pure and simple. The black box will also show that all the passengers died because the Cabin Crew were making silly innuendo and trying to out-tango each other when they should have been doing their safety demo.
Faces more orange than any Easyjoke uniform. Four shining dots visible from outer space. An act more worthy of air rage than the worst Ryanair customer service. All the other competitors must be disgusted. Even poor Brian Harvey (god love him) has the right to be upset. Imagine what it must feel like to be beaten by a turd sandwhich. Why would anyone of any merit EVER come near a UK Eurovision selection ever again? Morrissey?! We’d be lucky to get Mr Blobby. I really think he would be unwilling to compromise his artistic integrity. Britain, not that Great.
Our Carola who art in Sweden forgive them. They know not what they do.
There are not words to say
There are not songs to sing on
News days like today
There’s only time to carry
These darkest doubts away
There’s only hope to cling to
On days like today
Should hang our heads in shame
What we’ve done in (Carola's) name
Should hang our heads in shame
Only ourselves to blame”
I am only just now coming round from my weekend rage. I hadn’t been that angry since the invasion of Iraq. For quite a while after I had that horrible exhausted feeling that you get when you’ve had a really bad argument with someone.
Horror as Scooch make the final two. Joy as Cyndi is announced as the winner. Confusion. Horror. Despair. Darkness. Should we blame Wogie for this emotional battering?
Many Eurofans have wanted him publicly burned for a lot less than this. I have a deep (some would say unhealthy) love for this man and would consider myself a TYG. In spite of all the recent flack, I’m not giving up on you Wogie. However, this is the sort of mistake that the Wogmeister would crucify a Eurovision presenter for in his commentary. Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy? Ant and Shriek? Amazing Menounous? Not one of them made such a fatal error. A seasoned pro who enjoys dishing out derision and downright contempt should be above this sort of farce if he wants to keep dishing. That said, I think his mistake pales into insignificance when compared with the biggest mistake of the night.
“But this is what Eurovision is all about! Fun!” No. Gina G was fun. Gildo Horn was fun. Alf Poier was fun. Daz Sampson was fun. At a push Silvia Night was fun. Even Hitler had a certain amusement factor with that funny little moustache. Watching the Scooch Air diaster is about as fun as being slapped in the face with a wet shit.
“Would you like a something to suck on for landing sir?” Fuck off.
Who is going to be reformed especially for Eurovision next? The bubonic plague? Smallpox? No, that’s not fair. At least we’ve heard of these.
Can someone please explain how in the space of a few short weeks we took the leap from Morrissey to Scooch? I said that I had a sinking feeling that this could happen, but I never really thought that the worse case scenario would actually come to pass. To think I was worried that Lisa Scott Lee would be involved! Ha! The whole sorry mockery of a sham is the equivalent of being tempted into a restaurant with the promise of a Mitchelin five star gastronomic delight. When you sit down at your table you are presented with a menu that comprises of the same happy meal five times but with five different toys. Perhaps you should try the special instead?: “I see that today’s special is a turd sandwich. Could I go for that please? Hold the anchovies but can we get an extra helping of disgusting-crude-innuendo? Actually do you have any humour free disgusting-crude-innuendo? I’m humour intolerant. Also do you have any low fat dairy creamer?”.
A poor man’s Steps? There has never been a better reason for charity. The poorest of the poor should be able to afford a better Steps rip off than this. Bear this in mind the next time you pass someone selling the big issue. Give generously.
Is it too late to put things right?
We could build a time machine and travel back to St Patricks day 2007 and push Fern Cotton off stage just after the announcement so she doesn’t get a chance to make the "correction".
We could try to have it disqualified. All we have to do is prove it had an airing before rules allow. This is unlikely though as it sounds like it was written on the morning that the MYMU line up was announced.
In the immediate aftermath I hastily considered cancelling Eurovision in our house this year. I quickly realised that this would be too much. How to respond? I am not one for booing and did not enjoy the carryon last year with Silvia Night and Lithuania. Perhaps on the 12th of May we could ‘Woooo’ at Scooch instead, just like they do at the end of Dangerous Liaisons when Michelle Pfiffer dies her society death at the opera. Or we could put a bunch of flowers in front of the tv. Broadcasters in the Lebanon replaced the Israeli entry with a picture of a bunch of flowers one year They cut the transmission completely when it looked liked the old side-ways strut had taken an unassailable lead in the voting. Desperate times. Desperate measures. In the unlikely event of an emergency…
I am getting this all wrong. We should not be focusing on solutions. We should be thinking about who we can blame.
Richard and Judy. If it had not been for these two getting caught pulling the wool over people’s eyes with ‘You say we pay’, we would not have the current hysteria over televoting. Without those independent scrutineers breathing down their necks, the Beeb were bound to have put Cyndi through in a vote fix special. Maybe this is how Wogangate occurred. No one had tipped him off that things had to be done honestly this year.
The Greeks. They come up with that democracy thing didn’t they? Let the people have their say. It got George Bush re-elected (let’s face it that first time wasn’t democracy) and now look what it has done. Thank you Athens and goodnight.
The Great British Public and their infinite wisdumb. Rule Britania, Britania Ruins the Waves. This includes myself as I did not vote. Honest to God though, seriously though. What were we thinking? That dark haired fella is so sinister: manically straining and over-pronouncing (stage school wasn’t wasted) every innuendo as if someone has slipped him a laxative and he’s clinching for dear life. One co-passenger on Scooch airlines was heard to say this flight attendant had the look of someone who would knock you over to get to a sex-on-the-beach at GAY. The blonde one (Quizcall 2am Channel 5- and to think I was indignant about the participation of Liz and Brian ‘reality stars’) is a poster boy for all people who definitely should not be smug but definitely are. A face crying out to be slapped. The airline gimmick isn’t even original. It was done (and done a good deal better too) FIVE years ago by Slovenian transvestite airhostesses.
The only small blessing is that when this crash lands in Helsinki, there can be no doubt about why it happened. The black box will show that it was not because of Eastern European neighbourly voting nor British unpopularity because of the war in Iraq. It is because it was shit. Pure and simple. The black box will also show that all the passengers died because the Cabin Crew were making silly innuendo and trying to out-tango each other when they should have been doing their safety demo.
Faces more orange than any Easyjoke uniform. Four shining dots visible from outer space. An act more worthy of air rage than the worst Ryanair customer service. All the other competitors must be disgusted. Even poor Brian Harvey (god love him) has the right to be upset. Imagine what it must feel like to be beaten by a turd sandwhich. Why would anyone of any merit EVER come near a UK Eurovision selection ever again? Morrissey?! We’d be lucky to get Mr Blobby. I really think he would be unwilling to compromise his artistic integrity. Britain, not that Great.
Our Carola who art in Sweden forgive them. They know not what they do.
Comments
I'll burn it.