Anybody-we-can-get-several-months-in-advance
Saturday, mid-January 2009. Danni, an Australian living in London finds herself alone and lonely. To chase away the winter blues she resolves to host a dinner party. After having spent every Saturday night in the months running up to Christmas with three of her closest friends, she is looking forward to them coming over to fill up her empty room.
Louis: Danni the meat in that main course was superb. It reminded me of the look that Nikki French was going for in Euro2000.
Danni: Thanks Louis, that means so much. So guys thanks for coming. What have you been up to since we finished up?
Simon: Not watching Saturday night television anyway. It has been abysmal since we vacated the schedules.
Cheryl: I’ve had a wee look at that “Your Country Needs You” on BBC1.
Simon: Case in point. That botoxed bastard was back from the dead and on the judging panel for the first week.
Danni: Sharon Osbourne?
Simon: No, Arlene Philips.
Danni: A long way from the glory days of Olivia Newton John and Gina G. Those twins are not fit for purpose. We auditioned them and kicked them out of boot camp. Remember? We made the right decision.
Cheryl: Oh my god those twins. I forgot about those. Two blubberin bastards.
Danni: Indisputable proof that all twins should be separated at birth. I mean it’s just, just creepy. It’s not right.
Louis: They’re great, they’re wonderful they remind me of a young Reg and Ronnie Kray.
Simon: I can’t remember seeing them. I’m sure we didn’t.
Cheryl: Yes Simon, we did: you said they had the personality of bananas.
Simon: Ok, yeah we did. I remember now: they had the crying but there but there was just no back story. We did think about inventing a dead relative (you know the usual with a birth certificate, bio, photoshopped family pics and death certificate) but in the end it didn’t seem worth it. All this Loyld Webber fanfare and they will end up with what they usually get: an x-factor reject. They should save us all the licence fee and we can release the year before last’s runner up to them. Except for Rhydian and Same Difference. Not finished there.
Danni: That reminds me, If Andy Abraham didn’t work why would Andy Abrahams x 5 work? Emperors of Soul: what is that about?
Cheryl: I think they are amazing. Their performances have really touched me.
Louis: They’re great they’re wonderful they remind me of an older JLS after they have been through the 40 years of pub gigs that now lie ahead of them. They’re what this competition is all about.
Simon: The whole production is sub-standard. They have our old banana-cast offs, the set is tiny and looks like it has been put together from bits of old Making-Your-Mind-Up sets, the graphics are dated, styling awful and when did Andrew Lloyd Bumface last write a good pop song???
Cheryl: Simon man, I don’t think you are being fair. Granted, you could say that the BBC's going about this the wrong way. The sensible thing would have been to get someone like Xenomania to write a contemporary catchy British pop song but Sir ALW is a renowned composer and at least it shows that the UK is taking the contest seriously. And you have to give it to them for bringing back a live band to a UK Eurovision selection. They didn’t even give Michael Ball live music when he sang all the entries in a Song for Europe in 1992. The Beeb are really making an effort this year and we should applaud them for that even if it is a misguided one. Only a few years ago the UK final was cobbled together recorded performances on a Sunday afternoon for 35 mins before Songs of Praise.
Simon: The contestants just aren’t good enough.
Cheryl: Did you see Jade?
Danni: She was the only one who has the ‘hungry eyes’ needed for Eurovision. All the greats have had them. You know, you could tell that she wanted it. I don’t know if it was that the rest of them were so appalling but when she came on I was like ‘wow’.
Simon: It was possibly the worst performance I have seen in my life and I’ll tell you why: emotionless. There were no tears... Her dad is blind for goodness sake. What a waste. Granted blind is not as good as being dead but they could have done so much more. We should have at least had “filling in the form for Eurovision was the last thing that my dad did before he lost his sight. It has always been his dream to see his daughter represent her country.” Has the BBC given up?
Cheryl: Erm I don’t know if he actually went blind. I think he may always have been.
Simon: Not important.
Cheryl: Thank God it you weren’t on Popstars when I was on. Are you sayin’ that that young girl should be exploiting the fact that both her parents are visually impaired?
Simon: BOTH of them! I hadn’t realised, that’s even worse. What a disgrace. A wide open goal and none of the production team (who are being paid by my licence fee might I add) can be bothered to take the shot.
Danni:I think she did have some good lines. I’m sure she said she was sad that her dad wasn’t going to get to see her dress. Just as well he didn’t see it or else he wouldn’t have let her out of the house. More thigh than a bucket of KFC or a Girls Aloud concert.
Simon: Still would have been a million times more effective with a few tears. I mean how difficult is a squirt of mace in the face? Bit of editing . BAM! How TV should be.
Cheryl: I am never listening to you again. She is in a different class from the others. I bet when her first performance is posted on youtube it will get 60,000 more views on than any of the rest of them. I’m so proud of her, of my little Jade, she’s come so far from when I first saw her for those 14 seconds at the end of that introductory programme.
Simon: OK Ok we get it. You’re not a racist there’s no need to keep going on.
Louis: She’s great, she’s wonderful she reminds me of a young Beyonce. Her performance was like doing a shite and not having to clean your arse afterwards. I mean you wipe it, and there’s nothing there. Text book. She’s great.
Danni: Coffee?
Simon: Look Danni to be honest I have to go. I mean we aren’t even on tv here. What is the point of expressing an opinion if no one can see it. I have a flight to catch to LA to take my seat next to that mental fox for the next series of American Idol.
Cheryl: In that respect her 1990 duet with that Cat was not completely accurate.
Danni: Cheryl you’ll have coffee.
Cheryl: I’m sorry pet I have to shoot off as well. Me and the girls are startin’ our arena tour tonight. I have to be at the O2 in 20minutes.
Danni: Louis surely you don’t have anything to do until the next series?
Louis: You’re great you’re wonderful you remind me of an older Kylie Minogue.
Danni: Get out.
Louis: Danni the meat in that main course was superb. It reminded me of the look that Nikki French was going for in Euro2000.
Danni: Thanks Louis, that means so much. So guys thanks for coming. What have you been up to since we finished up?
Simon: Not watching Saturday night television anyway. It has been abysmal since we vacated the schedules.
Cheryl: I’ve had a wee look at that “Your Country Needs You” on BBC1.
Simon: Case in point. That botoxed bastard was back from the dead and on the judging panel for the first week.
Danni: Sharon Osbourne?
Simon: No, Arlene Philips.
Danni: A long way from the glory days of Olivia Newton John and Gina G. Those twins are not fit for purpose. We auditioned them and kicked them out of boot camp. Remember? We made the right decision.
Cheryl: Oh my god those twins. I forgot about those. Two blubberin bastards.
Danni: Indisputable proof that all twins should be separated at birth. I mean it’s just, just creepy. It’s not right.
Louis: They’re great, they’re wonderful they remind me of a young Reg and Ronnie Kray.
Simon: I can’t remember seeing them. I’m sure we didn’t.
Cheryl: Yes Simon, we did: you said they had the personality of bananas.
Simon: Ok, yeah we did. I remember now: they had the crying but there but there was just no back story. We did think about inventing a dead relative (you know the usual with a birth certificate, bio, photoshopped family pics and death certificate) but in the end it didn’t seem worth it. All this Loyld Webber fanfare and they will end up with what they usually get: an x-factor reject. They should save us all the licence fee and we can release the year before last’s runner up to them. Except for Rhydian and Same Difference. Not finished there.
Danni: That reminds me, If Andy Abraham didn’t work why would Andy Abrahams x 5 work? Emperors of Soul: what is that about?
Cheryl: I think they are amazing. Their performances have really touched me.
Louis: They’re great they’re wonderful they remind me of an older JLS after they have been through the 40 years of pub gigs that now lie ahead of them. They’re what this competition is all about.
Simon: The whole production is sub-standard. They have our old banana-cast offs, the set is tiny and looks like it has been put together from bits of old Making-Your-Mind-Up sets, the graphics are dated, styling awful and when did Andrew Lloyd Bumface last write a good pop song???
Cheryl: Simon man, I don’t think you are being fair. Granted, you could say that the BBC's going about this the wrong way. The sensible thing would have been to get someone like Xenomania to write a contemporary catchy British pop song but Sir ALW is a renowned composer and at least it shows that the UK is taking the contest seriously. And you have to give it to them for bringing back a live band to a UK Eurovision selection. They didn’t even give Michael Ball live music when he sang all the entries in a Song for Europe in 1992. The Beeb are really making an effort this year and we should applaud them for that even if it is a misguided one. Only a few years ago the UK final was cobbled together recorded performances on a Sunday afternoon for 35 mins before Songs of Praise.
Simon: The contestants just aren’t good enough.
Cheryl: Did you see Jade?
Danni: She was the only one who has the ‘hungry eyes’ needed for Eurovision. All the greats have had them. You know, you could tell that she wanted it. I don’t know if it was that the rest of them were so appalling but when she came on I was like ‘wow’.
Simon: It was possibly the worst performance I have seen in my life and I’ll tell you why: emotionless. There were no tears... Her dad is blind for goodness sake. What a waste. Granted blind is not as good as being dead but they could have done so much more. We should have at least had “filling in the form for Eurovision was the last thing that my dad did before he lost his sight. It has always been his dream to see his daughter represent her country.” Has the BBC given up?
Cheryl: Erm I don’t know if he actually went blind. I think he may always have been.
Simon: Not important.
Cheryl: Thank God it you weren’t on Popstars when I was on. Are you sayin’ that that young girl should be exploiting the fact that both her parents are visually impaired?
Simon: BOTH of them! I hadn’t realised, that’s even worse. What a disgrace. A wide open goal and none of the production team (who are being paid by my licence fee might I add) can be bothered to take the shot.
Danni:I think she did have some good lines. I’m sure she said she was sad that her dad wasn’t going to get to see her dress. Just as well he didn’t see it or else he wouldn’t have let her out of the house. More thigh than a bucket of KFC or a Girls Aloud concert.
Simon: Still would have been a million times more effective with a few tears. I mean how difficult is a squirt of mace in the face? Bit of editing . BAM! How TV should be.
Cheryl: I am never listening to you again. She is in a different class from the others. I bet when her first performance is posted on youtube it will get 60,000 more views on than any of the rest of them. I’m so proud of her, of my little Jade, she’s come so far from when I first saw her for those 14 seconds at the end of that introductory programme.
Simon: OK Ok we get it. You’re not a racist there’s no need to keep going on.
Louis: She’s great, she’s wonderful she reminds me of a young Beyonce. Her performance was like doing a shite and not having to clean your arse afterwards. I mean you wipe it, and there’s nothing there. Text book. She’s great.
Danni: Coffee?
Simon: Look Danni to be honest I have to go. I mean we aren’t even on tv here. What is the point of expressing an opinion if no one can see it. I have a flight to catch to LA to take my seat next to that mental fox for the next series of American Idol.
Cheryl: In that respect her 1990 duet with that Cat was not completely accurate.
Danni: Cheryl you’ll have coffee.
Cheryl: I’m sorry pet I have to shoot off as well. Me and the girls are startin’ our arena tour tonight. I have to be at the O2 in 20minutes.
Danni: Louis surely you don’t have anything to do until the next series?
Louis: You’re great you’re wonderful you remind me of an older Kylie Minogue.
Danni: Get out.
Comments
Um, doesn't Our Carola who art in Sweden look rather like Nadine Coyle's ma?