EUROMOMENTS

The silence that remains

2010-02-27T09:35:00.011Z

Or shevvvashevishah as they say in Hebrew. Hiya! It's been a while but in the face of mounting hysteria at our absence in the full throws of euromovin' und shakin' I really felt I must rediscover ma voix.

Now then, for this time of year my musical sensitivities do undergo a certain metamorphosis, a shift in frame of reference shall we say, but seriously 2010? Am I just getting too old for this? I do not seem to be a lone voice in the wilderness in feeling that the standard of entries so far is way below par. That Keithy, par exemple, never does anything without a truckload of subtext and just I was beginning to despair, a poll appeared on his website to rate the standard of entries so far compared to usual.... 44% say "much worse than other years".

Notwithstanding, we're not even halfway yet and it's not all bad news. So I'll have a quick romp through what's been chosen so far and share my thoughts.

Albania were first off the mark as usual but less than usual is the fact this year's entrant looks to carry a tad more life experience than previous entrants. "Nuk mundem pa ty" does not call for us to celebrate a collective nuclear armageddon but instead will be sung as "it's all about you". It's the most contemporary thing that they have sent yet and she sings well with some pleasing growls. There's a Sam Sparrow black 'n gold vibe to it, but unlike previous Albanian entries I fear that this may not be a diamond in the rough but rather just an okay pop song that no amount of production can take much further.

Switzerland followed. Michael von der Hedie shall sing il pleut de l'or, or golden RAIN. Golden RAIN. And a gold lamé jacket to boot. Yuk. Aside from making me feel dirty when I watch him, the song is pleasing in a Radio Luxembourg kind of way and the backing singers add retro chic. It makes me think of learning French at school and words like "magnetophone" and "discothèque" and "zut alors". And "au revoir", for as much as I would love to see suisse break out of the doldrums, if this gets out of the semi I'll be be buying a matching jacket and getting my ears pinned forward for the final.

Finland next and "You can work for a living". Or dress up as bridesmaids and terrorise me with accordions and oom-pa-pah. This song makes me feel like I've had to go to a wedding on my own, where I know no-one, everyone is hammered and I'm not allowed to drink. Nightmarish but possibly useful for extortion, forced confessions, to induce vomiting in the event of a drug overdose or simply torture.

Iceland is very much a rehash of "this is my life" but with less conviction. The right elements are there: big juicy singer, key change, token pseudofrench catch-phrase but somehow it seems... empty. Norway meanwhile is all conviction and no substance. The obvious comparisons to "You Raise Me Up" have been made and with some sympathetic hysteria from the home crowd, this will do much better than it deserves to. Such shamelessly cynical ploys should be reserved for the God channel and footballers' funerals.

Next came the Netherlands and as one helpful Dutch commentator on youtube wrote, "Sjesus kraist". If I ever enjoy this, kill me. Another habitual perpetrator of crimes against eurobirds is Denmark (view previous repercussions here) who this year provide us with a couple with less sexual chemistry than Dorothy and the Tin Man who, as Wogan would put it, in the grand old tradition of Eurovision shout at each other with their faces 2 inches apart. "In a moment like this" begins as Every breath you take, then morphs into Simply the Best. They'd be no craic whatsoever on a night out, but it's vocally extremely polished and there are whispers of "qualifier" in that wind machine. I also reckon they'd get about 43 extra votes if they went up at the end of the final line of the song rather than down, non?

Cyprus doesn't seem to have tapped into the latterday ethnopop formulae that have brought success to Greece and Turkey. "Life looks better in Spring" is a pleasant, pop-rock number with an American teen-soap sound to it. Inoffensive, if a little dull. Also beware song titles with spring in them. People might feel the urge to put giant daisies in the backdrop. Meanwhile, perennial underachievers Poland made an odd choice from a strong national final line-up with Legenda. It's very dark and very dramatic and Marcin looks like the kind of man that might have a red rose in one hand and a great big rock in the other. Naaaaice.

Armenia. Armenia! I love them. Mostly. When they don't send men spurting fake blood over their shirts. I have been quite taken with "Apricot Stone" which apparently calls for peace and love all over the world. Lyrically, it also offers advice on good mothering: "But I was too scared to lose my fun, I began to cry a lot, and she gave me apricots". Despite a rather lacklustre national final performance I am sure they will tart it up artfully for euro, hopefully with a great big apricot meringue dress being stripped off to reveal a brown velvet leotard. The video is worth a look if only for the big bearded guy in the background getting very excited - he is perhaps the composer, or maybe Eva's dad.

Malta next. Thea Garrett's dream. My nightmare. Go away.

Oh macky macky macky. I always had a fondness for FYR Macedonia's quite particular blend of Balkan r 'n b and I am saddened that the last few years has been less mack 'n b and more mack 'n roll. Notwithstanding the dated guitar solo which will no doubt be mimed with obscene over-enthusiasm on the night, this is not the worst of them but I am bitter at having been denied a juicy girl with thick make-up and hot pants accompanied by highly distracting choreography for yet another year.

"Accordions have no place on a modern eurovision stage." Discuss. Slovenia. The prosecution rests. Timoteij. The defence rests also!

I will say no more about Spain as I know that Mr Thompson has quite strong personal feelings on the matter as well as having viewed an enjoyable fracas which I'm sure he will share with you. I leave you with Belarus, who it would appeared started their search for a eurostar on the wrong TV channel then declared the result void and sent the song that came 2nd. Good trick eh? Three Plus Two are the performers but - hold up! - I can only see three of them. And quite amusing cuts to some very unimpressed jury members. "Far Away" is an enjoyable rocky pop song with enthusiastic performers, a reasonable hook and and the usual unintelligible English lyrics.

All in all it's a far cry from vintage to date, but with only 15 down and some of the big hitters still to come it would be premature to write the show off just yet.

And now on Euromoments...

2009-10-11T21:02:00.002Z

A Party Political Broadcast on behalf of CWRHAFTWS (The Cher-Watching Rastafarian Hell’s Angels and Fish Tunnel Walkers of Sweden).

And They're Off...

2009-10-01T21:16:00.007Z

Not Julie and Ludwig, Linda Martin's farts or the individual fruit trifles at the back of my fridge. But this:

http://euroviisut.yle.fi/osallistujat

It's about time someone made a start. Only the best part of eight months left after all. Christmas cards in June, Eurovision songs in October-it's all differerent from when I were a lad. I feel a bit car sick, excited but car sick.

Here we go...

I'll break through, I've made my move...

2009-09-20T21:55:00.012Z

and my faith is strong now

JADE EWEN what you on? What's going on?

Just as Jade is about to release her follow-up single to her Eurovision entry it is rumoured that she is set to become the sixth person to get on the merry-go-round round that is the Sugababes.

Some background:

It’s January 2009 and the BBC mean business. Eurobusiness. They get off to an uncharacteristically early start with a multi-week selection show to choose an artist for Eurovision. Last minute plant, sorry entrant Jade Ewen is head and shoulders above the competition. Even though the BBC appear to be taking things seriously, the lurking feeling persists that the UK public will push dignity over a cliff as Eurovision is a joke and nothing decent should be sent near it.

We need not have worried about Jade coming out on top. The biggest obstacle to her Eurosuccess was not her competitors in the ‘Your Country Needs You’ selection but the song that she would be given to sing at the contest.

We were at the height of Film Award Season when ‘It’s My Time’ was introduced to us. This is probably why on the first few performances I was seeing a hysterical Oscar winner who had begun to sing her acceptance speech along to the orchestra that had struck up to drown her out as she had gone over her allotted time.

It was about what I had expected from an Andrew Lloyd Webber melody, but after having had high hopes for the Diane Warren input, I was left wondering what exactly she did to earn her fee. Press the button on the talent-show-winner-first-single-random-lyrics-generator? She could have at least given it a shake when it kept getting stuck on the word ‘Time’.

For a while following this, it became interchangeable in my head with NornIron transsexual Geraldine’s ‘Winner’s Song’. This was compounded by the official video for ‘It’s My Time’ mirroring Peter Kay's piss-take. The video and song were so derivative that they were not a million miles away from (and maybe not even as good as) something that had been conceived several months earlier as a parody of the tv-talent show formula. Eeeeekk.

The next phase I lived through with this song was quite extraordinary. Excluding things that underwent a major makeover (see par exemple ‘Is Always Over Now?’ -and then) what followed is the biggest U-turn I have ever done on a Eurovision entry. At the very first performance from YCNY competitor Mark, I and a fellow blogger to this site spat out our tea in disbelief at how appalling the song was. Only a few weeks later I caught myself humming it at work. Before I knew it, I was choosing to listen to it. Actually looking it up on Youtube. Checking out the various performances that Jade was doing around Europe on her publicity tour. In the final weeks before Moscow I had gone insane: All my reservations and smirks and niggling thoughts and were knocked over the head with a shovel and buried in shallow grave under a Tesco car-park with Geraldine McQueen. 180 degree volte-face from devastation to daring to think: ‘this could win’.

On the evening of May 16, I did not feel contempt, despair, fear or pity as an artist representing the UK took to the Eurovision stage. Practically the only time this decade.

3 minutes of tv followed that did not disappoint. Decent performance from Jade (carrying on through THAT slap up her face) ALW on stage doing what he does best: lurking around at a piano like a thunderbird puppet that has had a stroke. Genius.

What was unthinkable only 12 months perviously happened. The publicity campaign, the return of the juries, FAB ALW on stage, a great artist, an unbelievably lucky late performance slot that was then ring-fenced by up-tempo no-hopers. All this came together to give the UK a top five position.

Mission accomplished. But what next for Jade? It is an always unfulfilled hope that someone in the UK might actually have a career after Eurovision thus improving profile of the contest and future standard of entry. Could the virtuous circle start here?

‘It’s My Time’ didn’t exactly set the UK charts on fire. The memory that Jade only truly sparkled with up-tempo stuff on YCNY persisted.

And so when I heard the r’n’b tinged stomping pop follow-up single ‘My Man’ I was delighted.

It is really rather good and completely WIPES THE FLOOR with the current X-Factor Queen Alexandra Burke’s similar move from debut dirge to uptempo follow up.

So why, days before you are on the eve of releasing a great solo single would you pack it in and join a group (that some may say is past its best- if you are reading this Keisha, I would never say that) before you’ve even given it a go? Why Jade Ewen, Why??? It’s a bit arse about tits isn’t it?

If it is true there are a few possible explanations for this.

1. In a saturated market of juicy looking girls with great voices (see Alexandra, Jamelia, Leona et al) Jade has given up on her a solo career and has decided that her best bet for success is to join a group.

2. She is joining the Sugababes to keep her solo career going on the back of publicity generated and will attempt to have the best of both worlds.

3. Because of the creative differences (read: bullying) that Keisha is rumoured to cause, the record company has set up a form of conscription to keep the Sugababes going through the inevitable fall-outs. Showbiz types are closer to the top of the list but I think that all our names are on there -we’ll all have to take our turn at some point. The next name on the list was Jade Ewen. Unfortunately she got the call at the worst possible time – just when she was about to release her own solo single. What would ordinarily be a great break has put paid to her solo career. Cruel fate.

My hope is that it all proves to be untrue and it is a publicity stunt to get them all some headlines for their respective releases.

Fun, gracious, polite, charming, talented, determined and likeable. I hope that the move she makes gives her the break through she deserves.

'My Man' by Jade Ewen: Available to download from Monday 21 here.

The Things I Love...

2009-07-14T22:22:00.006Z

• DJ-less mash-ups
• Denim hot-pants
• FMBs... F.M.!
• Sexual chemistry that knows no boundaries (social, cultural, generational or moral)
• Stomping around to music on stage and on walkways
• Boobie shakin’
• Motorboating
• Back-to-back / peek-a-boo choreography
• MILFs
• MILFs who like boys
• Boys who like MILFs (who like boys to be milfs, who do boys like they’re milfs who do milfs like they’re boys. Always should be someone you really love
• Lyrics performed properly for the first time by a professional:"I don't care if I lose my mind..."
• Mickey J tributes (they’re back in!)
• The nation of Sweden
• Eurovision
• Allsang på Grensen
• Carola Haggkvist
• Youtube
• The internet

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in...Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

Happy Semifinal 2 to you!

2009-05-14T15:14:00.003Z

What a great result on Tuesday night. My prediction list changed somewhat after the live performances and I ended up getting 8/10. Things are looking very good for a well-balanced East-West distribution in the final, and in the Jade camp they must be truly delighted with a draw that places her far away from Malta and Iceland and nestled neatly between two dance numbers.

Anyway, just a quick look at tonight's line-up:
Croatia
Ireland
Latvia
Serbia
Poland
Norway
Cyprus
Slovakia
Denmark
Slovenia
Hungary
Azerbaijan
Greece
Lithuania
Moldova
Albania
Ukraine
Estonia
The Netherlands

And my 10 to qualify:
Latvia
Norway
Cyprus
Hungary
Azerbaijan
Greece
Lithuania
Moldova
Albania
Ukraine

This was decided very hastily but I think it captures the obvious favourites (Norway, Greece, Ukraine), a mix of styles (dance, r n b, disco, rock ballad), some novelty/memorability factor (Hungary, Latvia) and geographical/diasporic expectations (Azerbaijan, Greece).

Let's see what happens! I'm fizzing with excitement.

Happy Semifinal 1 Day!

2009-05-12T07:26:00.006Z

Well, here we are again. It's Semifinal Day (Part 1), Jade Ewen is playing on Radio 2 and there's a tiny tear of excited anticipation creeping out of one of my eyes. I'm amazed that I have, for the first time, managed to post something on this blog during the actual week of the contest as opposed to abandoning ship, all spent by the end of national selections. Surely that's worth crying about? My own greatness and steely nerve in the face of my extreme pre-contest excitement?

It's myyyyy ttiiiiiiiimmmme naaaaaaaaooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww

But, you know, I really think we have a vintage year on our hands. I can say that there isn't really a single song that I dislike strongly enough to begrudge it success, and even if the whole world has decided that Norway has already won the damn thing, I'm hopeful of a nice open contest for places 2-5 if not the top spot as well. I think it's a great year for East-West balance in terms of song quality, a particularly good year for the Big 4 and hence the best time to re-introduce the professional juries. The only thing I should really stop myself doing is hearing My Time and automatically imagining a reprise sequence with ticker tape and fireworks followed by the announcement of UK victory on the BBC headlines. Stop it! Stop! Must. Not. Get. Carried. Away.

Anyway, enough of B4 - back to the task in hand for today. My predictions for Semifinal 1. Being deemed by many to be the weaker of the 2 semis I think rather affords tonight's contest a greater opportunity to surprise and impress us.

The line-up:

1. Montenegro - Andrea Demirović - Just get out of my life
2. Czech Republic - Gipsy.cz - Aven romale
3. Belgium - Copycat - Copycat
4. Belarus - Petr Elfimov - Eyes that never lie
5. Sweden - Malena Ernman - La voix
6. Armenia - Inga & Anush - Nor par
7. Andorra - Susanne Georgi - La teva decisió (Get a life)
8. Switzerland - Lovebugs - The highest heights
9. Turkey - Hadise - Düm tek tek
10. Israel - Noa & Mira Awad - There must be another way
11. Bulgaria - Krassimir Avramov - Illusion
12. Iceland - Yohanna - Is it true?
13. FYR Macedonia - Next Time - Nešto što kje ostane
14. Romania - Elena Georghe - The Balkan girls
15. Finland - Waldo's People - Lose control
16. Portugal - Flor-de-Lis - Todas as ruas do amor
17. Malta - Chiara - What if we?
18. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Regina - Bistra voda

And my predicted qualifiers (9 from televote, 1 from professional jury)
1. Bosnia & Herzegovina
2. Armenia
3. Turkey
4. Malta
5. Iceland
6. Portugual
7. Sweden
8. Switzerland
9. Israel
10. Belarus

Bosnia is a sure-fire qualifier. A powerful, traditional-style ballad with dramatic 'Viva la Vida' costumery and staging. No doubt. Inga and Anush from Armenia haven't put a foot wrong since they began their build-up to Moscow, and of course come from a country with a huge diaspora. The Turkish pop sound has mass appeal, and again with a huge diaspora I think Hadise is a safe qualifier but perhaps won't figure as highly as we might have predicted in the final. Earlier on this blog I predicted that Chiara from Malta would win the whole contest, but I hadn't reckoned on such a strong line-up. Nonetheless, I think people have been too soon to disregard her and if she wins out as the best of the ballads we could see a top 5 finish on Saturday.

Now to the less certain qualifiers. From what I have read of the blogging from rehearsals in Moscow, Iceland and Portugal are both delivering solid performances. This is great news for me, as I think Iceland is certainly a classier and more contemporary ballad than Chiara's, and the Portuguese have produced a lovely, lilting folk song that seems to do everything right that Dervish previously turned into some sort of staggering Tudor peasants ghost ride.

Sweden is the worm that turned, erm, in a good way. I stamped all over this song in the lead-up to Melodifestivalen and now I love it. Actually, I love Malena Ernman. She's my hero and I've been following her on Twitter like a fool in love. Almost. Anyway, from what people are saying this song isn't quite doing it on stage in Moscow and is likely to be the jury's 'lucky loser' choice to qualify from tonight's semifinal. I think we shouldn't be too quick to put La Voix down, even though I am obsessed with her and think she is like some sort of Norse goddess. This song is unlike anything else in the contest and it does have an irrestible stomping campery. It will stick in people's minds, and whilst I don't think it will be popular east of say, Leipzig, boy will it go down a storm with everywhere west of there. This is what ordinary people think Eurovision is all about, and let's face it there are millions more of them who watch and vote than there are of us scaly-eyed die-hards who do things like lobby for the Portuguese singer to add an extra layer to her dress (thank you, AKOE. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Loving your work though). So, expect to see big Malena again on Saturday.

The last three are a bit of a lucky dip and could be interchanged for any of Andorra, FYR Mac or, for reasons stated in the latter part of the last paragraph, Bulgaria (Oh big Krassy. Kisses!). I plumped for Belarus simply because it is apparently coming across very strongly in rehearsal and compares well with the songs that precede it. It's probably my least favourite song in the contest as I find it's just like - no, it actually is - being shouted at for 3 minutes, with little grace and no interest. Also, it's practically home turf for Peter Elfimov, which may make for a good arena reaction. Andorra is a great wee pop ditty, again apparently being well performed. Unfortunately they're losing out on the potential 12 from Spain as the Spanish want to screen only the 2nd semifinal and so moved their voting rights to Thursday. Silly Spain! However, Andorra could be a jury choice. Finally, Israel have given it a good go this year with two fantastic singers. They're bound to give a strong performance, and may stand out between all the bang-bang of Turkey and Bulgaria. I think there's always a decent interest in what Israel have to offer and while this isn't a patch on last year, it deserves a final place.

My opinions are likely to change having seen the live performances, but that's yer lot for now. Now I just have to concentrate on getting on with my day, and getting over my nightmare of last night that the UK won in 2009 (the good bit) but then got Al Murray and Jimmy Carr to host in 2010.

You are so crazy bum

2009-03-16T22:45:00.003Z

That's not dancin'!

And Svetlana certainly knows it, but hell, she's got the demented killer instinct of someone that, taking her artistic inspiration from madge's hard candy, takes the view that i'll do it JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT I CAN.

In a contest in which schlager, novelty and even ethnobang have taken an unexpected sudden backseat to the balladeering about peace and love, this will stand out by a mile. It combines the pre-requisite ethno driving beat with the catchiest hook of any song so far. And if the outpouring of moral outrage eminating from a certain popular fansite ("This clip seem to be pure SEX" cries one offended reader) is anything to go by, svetlana will leave nothing if not an impression, favourable or otherwise and svetlana knows full well, lying there bathed in green & blacks finest, that there is no negative marking. How many decent, good quality records have limped to last place in eurovision for faling to inspire and annoy in equal measure? Stand up mahlene, no angels, knut anders...

If you think that the juries will somehow be immune to such shameless vote mongering gyrating depravity then think again. I recognise that this year, more than any other, it ain't over till the fat lady sings but nonetheless for me, this is so far the one to beat...

Melodifestivalen tonight

2009-03-14T13:36:00.002Z

It's finally here. The Melodifestivalen final takes place tonight, when we shall see the last song to be selected for Moscow, and your entire Euromoments team will be gathering in a certain London Swedish venue to watch events unfold in the company of those who care. It's good to be young, eh?

There has been criticism of this year's Melodifestivalen line-up from the Swedish press, who claim that standards have slipped. These people have clearly never seen Making Your Mind Up. However, there have been some bloopers along the way... how did Velvet's The Queen (see below - a riotous Stock-Aitken-Waterman style retro dance number with a giant dress, hotpants, women in drag and great dancing.) not only fail to qualify for the Globen but come in the bottom 3 of her semifinal? I am also saddened that BWO don't have a place in the Globen this evening but that is a matter of personal taste and I managed to stop watching the video on loop yesterday.

Sometimes you've just gotta let go. Tonight we will be treated to 11 songs:

1. Måns Zelmerlöw - Hope & glory
2. Caroline af Ugglas - Snälla, snälla
3. Agnes - Love, love, love
4. H.E.A.T. - 1000 miles
5. Emilia - You're my world
6. Alcazar - Stay the night
7. Sarah Dawn Finer - Moving on
8. E.M.D. - Baby goodbye
9. Sofia - Alla
10. Molly Sandén - Så vill stjärnorna
11. Malena Ernman - La voix

It does seem to be a much more open field than in previous years, with no real stand-out winners. I think the result will be heavily swayed by local tastes and am thus preparing myself for a shock. For me, the strongest entrant is Molly Sandén, the 16 yr-old graduate of Junior Eurovision who has a Swedish-language song that can be best described as a more sophisticated version of Empty Room. I've included a video of her semifinal performance because it is basically pitch- and look-perfect. I know there are a lot of people whinging about there already being several strong ballads in the line-up for Moscow, but after a few listens I really have developed a sneaking regard for this one.

I am also very fond of Snälla, snälla and thrilled that Caroline made it through the Andra Chansen round, but I expect that Melodifestivalen will simply serve to boost her record sales without the bonus trip to Russia. Måns Zelmerlöw was a strong contender for the MF crown with Cara Mia in 2007. This year, he delivers his song Hope and Glory with the look of someone saying: "You thought Cara Mia was good? WELL CHECK THIS OUT!" Sadly for Måns, I think his song for 2009 is a dog's dinner - forced, shouty vocals, a bad outfit and an ill-suited 007 theme. As they say in a place I call home: See ye lidder. Also in the 'cute young men' category are E.M.D. Now, here I smell the distinct whiff of danger. I'm not that fond of this N-Sync-ish pop song, and to be honest I find the boys a little creepy. However, a reliable source on-location in Stockholm has informed me that this is getting A LOT of radio play, and given that they qualified straight from Semifinal 3 on the back of a pretty ropey vocal performance, I think this could be one of those unstoppable audience favourites. Watch out for this in the top 3, and a potential winner. Erstwhile members of the young and cute brigade, Alcazar, have returned minus Magnus with a disco stomper called Stay the Night. This could do it for the trio, but for my tastes it just looks a little tired and desparate. None of them is as fresh as they used to be, the vocals are off and I think the whole thing would crash and burn in Moscow. Sadly, I have to say they're too long in the tooth for all that gadding about in pink waiscoats.

There are a few acts I think I would like to rule out tonight - Agnes, Sofia (the international jury choice) and Sarah Dawn Finer. None of them bad songs, but all inferior to other similar entrants in the contest. Sarah Dawn Finer's song is alright, but I did not enjoy the semifinal staging at all - very dated, fussy and distracting. This isn't a patch on the powerful simplicity of Så vill stjärnorna.

So, that leaves us with three acts: Emilia, H.E.A.T. and Malena Ernman. Emilia has this week received big-name support from The Great C (hallowed be thy wind machine), which could either be a good omen or the kiss of death. Actually I think it's more to do with Our Lady of the Gold Lamé trying to keep a certain blue-eyed, wholesome starlet in her place in a who's-the-fairest-of-them-all style campaign of passive suppression. This aside, I think the Emilia song could be another Swedish favourite from radio play etc., and it is perhaps one of the more contemporary with its Duffy-lite style. However, given that Duffy is effectively Wino-lite, you might equate Emilia with a Tesco bag in the wind. This is also how her voice comes across - very thin, prone to tuning problems and just not good enough to fill the arena in Moscow. All I want to say about H.E.A.T. is don't rule them out. There is nothing similar in the line-up and they give a strong performance. There's no accounting for taste in this game, and they could win. Finally, Malena Ernman and La Voix. You might have thought I was leaving the best till last. I see it as leaving the most terrifying till the end because I couldn't face it in paragraph 1. There is just something not right about this 'popera' song that has received lots of positive reaction from Eurofans. It's not sung badly, the whole structure of the song is not offensive, but I just don't like all this leaping around the vocal range for the sake of it. Malena sounds totally different in the verse and chorus, giving a much stronger gimmicky feel to the opera sections. The staging is a little overwhelming, with so much white light at some points that Malena looks like an android with shimmering synthetic skin and pop-out eyes. I don't like the male dancers, especially when they put on the Klan-esque masks at the end and cluster behind her. All of it make me pull a face like Molly at 2:42. Pained, in my case with the desperate longing for it to be over. That said, I would not be at all surprised if La Voix wins through tonight. It's different, and people may expect it to make an impact with voters in May. It could, but it makes me feel seasick.

So, what are the Carlytime predictions for this evening's festival at the Globen? I'll play my hand:

1st: E.M.D.
2nd: Molly Sandén
3rd: Malena Ernman

There are hundreds of equally likely outcomes in this year's contest, but I'm going to go with a top 3 that includes one chart-pleaser, one MF-by-numbers, and one novelty act. Time will tell... I heart Sweden.

Oh Casa Nova (Nova...Nova...Nova)

2009-03-05T14:58:00.003Z

Dear Reader(s?),

Please excuse my absence of late - Camp Carlytime has relocated and is currently not connected to the Information Super Highway. I know it's a disaster, but thankfully I have other portals at my disposal.

Basically, I chose one of the worst weekends in the eurocalendar to relocate my lair. I have finally gotten around to updating the video bar with entries from Spain, Portugal, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Latvia, Azerbaijan. Even this far into the selection season, amazingly we still don't have a truly awful song in the contest. Israel has unfortunately gone all-out on cynicism, with a mid-tempo 'let's all join hands together around the world' pop song that doesn't do justice to the calibre of the two singers. The Croatian song is very traditional in style and although it is generally pleasant I fear they're a little off the money this year with a male soloist whose live singing isn't up to it. Latvia has put forward a lot of old rope in the last few years, with 'Pirates of the Sea' marking the nadir. This year's song is a kind of alternative rock-pop number and I quite like it, though I can't yet work out if there is supposed to be a comedic element to it. The lead singer's antics suggest so but the b/w images in the background of the live performance hint strongly in the opposite direction... I'm a little wary of Azerbaijan as I think they will do much better than warranted in the contest. The song is only just alright, in that it will probably be delivered quite well, but it is totally unoriginal. However, I am rather tickled by the current video clip showing Martine-McCutcheon-a-like AySel stomping round Baku, kicking things in the studio and stubbing out cigarettes with a butter-wouldn't-melt expression. She's trouble. By the sounds of some of the web reporting, Spain's Soraya is feeling very confident of success in Moscow. I have to disagree, but I am pleased to see this polished - yet not ground-breaking in any way - pop song go to the final. Looking over the Big 4 for this year, I think we've got the best line-up the contest has enjoyed for a while. Back in alt-rock territory, Bosnia have come good again this year with their song from U2-inspired Regina. The song is rather reminiscent of San Marino's song in 2008, but with much more prominent folk influences. I don't think they'll out-do Laka, but it's a good demonstration that a quiet and dignified internal selection really can be the way to go. Finally, Portugal. I caught some of the excitement about Flor-de-Lis in the lead-up to the national selection, and I can whole-heartedly say that I am delighted with this song. On the back of Senhora do Mar, this is a real return from the wilderness from a country that has really struggled since the introduction of the semifinals. A beautifully-performed, melodic folk-pop song, this deserves voting attention in Moscow and may get a decent backing from the juries.

Finally, a short word on the Swedish national selection juggernaut that is Melodifestivalen. Words cannot express my love for this show. However, I recently gathered with London Swedes and Eurofans to watch the live stream of MF Semifinal 3 and its pretty shocking outcome. One of the shocks of the evening was the failure of MF favourites BWO to qualify straight to the final - instead, they progress to the Andra Chansen('Second Chance') round this Saturday 7th March. As we know, no song has ever come from Andra Chansen to win the contest. However, with the recent release of the video for BWO's You're Not Alone, there may be hope. Someone wrote on another fan site that this song is a real grower, and perhaps it was this that kept it down in the semifinal but will see it qualify comfortably this Saturday. I really hope so, as on further listens I have come to believe that You're Not Alone is truly a work of pop genius. The whole feel of it really reminds me of a song called Obsession, which came from Alexander Bard's former project, Army of Lovers. Spectacular, soaring, camp as you like (check out the spoken bit toward the end - ideal), I would be thrilled to see BWO make it to Moscow in 2009.

In, out, shake it all about...

2009-02-23T19:57:00.004Z

...has been the story of Hungary's national selection for Eurovision 2009. However, it seems that Ádok Zoltán's Dance with me will be the final choice for Moscow. Check out the high-production, high-camp video to this disco ditty in the side bar.

In the words of Elitsa & Stoyan (Bulgaria, 2007):
We are camming to yeu with piss an lav.

Swiss (Rock 'n) Roll

2009-02-23T09:14:00.003Z

Check out the side bar for the song rumoured to be the Swiss entry for 2009. It takes more than a little from New Order, maybe U2 as well. Not sure what is going on with the lead singer's Irish brogue, but I think this could do well with the juries. A big qualitative improvement on Era Stupendo, but unlikely to be as popular with those fickle little Eurofans.

NB this version currently stands at 3:50 so will have to undergo some substantial cuts before May.

Bulgaria loves us

2009-02-22T13:20:00.001Z

Check out the side bar for the results of last night's crucial national final. It feels like all my Christmasses (or rather, Krassimirs) have come at once.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Carola for sprinkling your stardust on Bulgaria and making the impossible happen.

I might shed a tear of joy.

And the winner is...

2009-02-21T00:12:00.003Z

Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy.

On reflection, I think this is the best result. The live performance was polished, energetic and professional and although I still don't feel confident that Ireland will make it out of the semifinal, they should be able to go to Moscow with heads high and leave with pride intact. A rare treat for Irish Eurosongs in the noughties. The stage presentation really brought it home tonight - Ireland happily makes it nine years late into the 21st Century with one of the most contemporary songs of this year's selection so far. The all-girl line-up makes a refreshing change, with not a little whisper of Vanilla Ninja and just enough campery to keep everyone happy. Good show.

For your delectation, the live performance from Sinead and friends.

It's getting very exciting, Pat

2009-02-20T08:38:00.005Z

The time is upon us once more, when we dare to watch an assembled crowd of geriatrics arrhythmically tapping their feet to a range of MOR pop songs on live television. The Late Late Show Eurosong 2009.

Oh Pat. Lovely, lovely Pat.

Have you heard some of the things they've been saying about you? They've even been so bold as to interrupt your unshakeable blandery on live television. But Pat - have you heard some of the things that you yourself have said live on air? Are you not wise?

Anyway, thanks to one Irish blogger for hitting the nail on the head re: the RTE schedule. This is at the nub of what I believe will surely prevent the most deserving Irish song being selected for Eurovision 2009 - more below.

Regarding the songs, I thoroughly agree with Mr Thompson that while none of them (see below - and many thanks to Emma's YouTube channel for making the vids available) are really that awful, none of them look like they're going to challenge the top of the leaderboard in Moscow. I also agree with Noogie that, given the relatively small population and music industry of Ireland, it seems a waste to search for a whole 6 songs to fight it out every year, when a quiet internal selection involving the combined efforts of several well-picked songwriters could be put to better use in getting something that's right for Eurovision.

As Mr Thompson pointed out, you really never can tell what will happen in a live performance, and this aspect is, of course, crucial for Eurovision. From the recordings alone, I can't say that I really like Amazing or So What?. In both cases, we've heard it all before. Flying sounds like fun but is dated. Unfortunately, even though I think I wish I could pretend is a solid ballad by a good singer, I do still have a preference for a song that has at least some involvement from a native of the country. So, for this reason, I'm putting that song to the side. So that leaves Laura-Jayne Hunter's Out of Control and Sinead Mulvey's Et Cetera. My twopenneth on these: Out of Control, on the surface of things, sounds like the most Euro-savvy thing that Ireland has come up with since The Voice. Irishy slow vocal introduction breaks into a frenetic dance number with folk influences. I can imagine a lively stage production with some Irish dancing around 2 mins 20. But, with the current production on this track it does sound like a bit of a dog's dinner. Particularly later on in the song, after all this diddly-dee stuff we get Andean pan pipes and African drumming followed by orchestral arpeggios and it all feels like too much. On the other hand Et Cetera is perfectly produced. An upbeat number after the likes of Avril Lavigne, Pink, even Katy Perry, it's definitely contemporary and I have faith that former You're A Star finalist Sinead will deliver a strong performance. But, I'm reminded of Andorra 2007, when Anonymous had a strong little bubblepunk number which disappeared without a trace in the semifinal. This is a great song for radio, but not for Euro. Ireland would go to Moscow, justifiably proud to have a good song without a turkey or a tudor frock in sight, only to miss qualification for the final yet again.

My hope - based on the expectation of a good vocal performance - is that Out of Control will win the selection tonight and someone with a bit of sense will be allowed to knock the backing track into shape before Moscow. And as we know, Ireland is well-known for turning Eurosong disasters into decent ESC entries. What I fear will happen tonight, though, is that So What? will take the ticket for Moscow. Why, you ask, when I ruled it out a whole 2 paragraphs ago? Well, because The Late Late Show is watched by middle-aged to old individuals all around Ireland from 9pm on a Friday night, by which time all the hip young things have gone out (and we can't assume they could even bear to watch if they were at home). This is a show where a 'postal quiz' for an Opel Corsa will capture the viewers' imagination for weeks until Pat phones some old farmer up to tell him he's won and the grumpy old goat offers little more than a grunt in the way of appreciation because he's an Irish millionaire and already owns 27 Massey Fergusons. A show where a regular star turn on the panel is Father Brian D'Arcy (a.k.a Father Showbiz), a show on which Pat Kenny actually asked Bibi Baskin what she'd been up to 'for the last 10 years'. Admittedly, also a show on which Sinead O'Connor appeared during her priest phase and tried to perform a blessing - GREAT TV - and a hundred middle-aged Catholic trouts in the audience clutched their rosaries and shook their heads in fear and disgust.

Song 1 - M.N.A. - Flying

Song 2 - Laura-Jayne Hunter - Out of Control

Song 3 - Lee Bradshaw - So What

Song 4 - Johnny Brady - Amazing

Song 5 - Kristina Zaharova - I wish I could pretend

Song 6 - Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy - Et Cetera

We wait with bated breath...

Your Norwegian is Quite Good

2009-02-19T22:34:00.006Z

How do you solve a problem like Eurovision? With points and popularity in free-fall in many Western European countries some national broadcasters really don’t look like they have a clue where to take the contest and get back on track. They could do worse than lighting a wee candle and asking Our Lady in the second ‘O’ at the top of this page for guidance. You could definitely accuse our dear friends in Donnybrook Dublin of being at a bit of a loss. Is there anything that will cross the Late Late stage tomorrow night that can stop the rot in Ireland or will it be another case of the bland leading the bland as Pat Kenny presents Eurosong 2009? (I am so glad that Kenny Dead is back at the helm and we can recycle that.) As I write, through the wonder of t'internet I am listening to the RTE preview show that was aired on the wireless earlier. I haven’t heard all the entries yet but so far there hasn't been anything truely dreadful. But there hasn't been anything that would definitely put a full stop to Ireland's poor recent run either.

You need only look to Norway and the standard of entry in their national final taking place on Saturday to know you can stop the rot. After not doing as well as they deserved to in 2006 and deservedly not escaping the semi final the following year, Maria Haukaas Storeng came good for them in 2008. A solid performance of a decent song and a lucky draw for the final performance slot on the Saturday= top five result and renewed interest in Norway.

I firmly believe that the work of Maria Haukass in Belgrade has set in motion a virtous circle and improved the quality of the songs on offer in Melodi Grand Prix. Haven't heard them all, but two that have been brought to my attention on the All Kinds of Everything website (thank you Keith Mills et al) are definitely worth a watching.

First one up to watch is girl group Velvet. It is good to see a Eurogroup with a combined age that is over 50. As Wogan (RIP) said in 1997 of Dutch entrants Mrs Einstein “it’s great to see five big whallopers doing their stuff”. This song is one that manages to pull off the Tricky euro-feat of sounding like it could have been in the charts in the last 15 years, having shape-throwing potential at the old disco AND the velvet girls manage live harmonies on an up-tempo number without murdering it. Added bonus is opening vocals being performed by black haired Britney-a-like.

When I first heard Fairytale as an audio file sneak-peak I LOVED it. I was excited. It seemed to tick all the boxes: it was a rousing stomper with more than a bit of fiddledydee, a young singer with a good voice and heart throb poptential. The song was instant without being totally devoid of decency. I heard echoes of Brainstorm and the accompanying picture of an Elvine Alexander made me think of Renaus Kaupaurs. I thought he would be a similarly decent and loveable young man who would give us a coy performance to match the song.

A few weeks later I see the live performance on Youtube. A charming song, what could go wrong? Coy? Brainstorm? Elf? No, what we get is fiddley-diddley-DON'T: David Platt from Coronation Street stomping around the stage like he’s just pushed Gail down the stairs and doesn’t have a care in the world. He slips his tounge out with a seamy expression on his face like he has just caught sight of himself in his ceiling mirror whilst doing the business for the first time with Tina. Later on he does it again and actually looks like he is congratulating himself for being such a love machine. He’s a wrong un. I actually can't look at him.

Even though a young man who looks so conceited he could be capable of matricide is at the centre of proceedings, he is not the worst thing about it. The worst thing is what is going on around him: the completely incongruous kazak-streetdance hybrid and the two juicies who walk across the stage to catch a bus in the middle. No need.

I think that the song is so strong that it will almost certainly win on Saturday. If it does, NRK need to have a word with themselves and sort this mother-murdering dog's dinner out before it gets to Moscow. My suggestion would be to have Alexander neutered and give the backing dancers a few Mary Poppins style Step-In-Time moves with some fake-fiddles instead of chimney brooms.

Perhaps this is just what comes of hearing the song first without seeing the performance. Or perhaps this is the most inappropriate attempt at staging since some wise RTE-bod in Helsinki said “go on Cathy there, move around the stage, and look like you’re enjoying it. No, no really you want to show off your nice tudor frock don’t you? Sure there’s no point standing still at a microphone for a song like this. Great. That’s it. Ohhhh. Keep moving. Make some eye contact with the band. Now make love to the camera."

One thing I seem to forget time and again about this Contest is that you really you can't judge anything until you have actually SEEN it. The clue is in the title: Eurovision. Some, like Tim Moore who wrote the fantastic 'Nul Points' claim that you can watch the contest with the sound down and actually get a better idea of who is going to do well and who will flounder.

The webcast of the Derek Mooney show has come to an end and I think the DG of RTE will not need to worry about how the credit crunched celtic tiger will pay for the 2010 contest. However I suppose what Alexander and Tim Moore have taught us that we can't be sure about the Irish finalists until we see them tomorrow night. If we can be bothered to watch. Perhaps we should try it with the volume down.

Anyway this post has only been possible thanks to the sterling Jessica Fletcher- style research of my co-bloggers (thank you, thank you both) I have been saved from having to cut back on Eurovis for sanity's sake. I have not been driven over the edge. I am not mad. Someone actually did put the 1982 ESC on a background tv in present day Eastenders. Honest to God though, seriously though: WTF?

With my sanity apparantly intact I am duty bound to continue Eurowatching and passing comment that will hopefully be read by at least two other people.

Marathon

2009-02-18T21:01:00.003Z

Well, I guess they invented it:

I just want to say, for the record, that the producers of the Greek national song presentation/selection show must be admired for putting on a live retrospective of THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF EUROVISION split over about 7000 commercial breaks, but it is nearly killing me.

If this was Sweden, Sakis would not have given us 4 lip-synched numbers from his back catalogue at the start of the show then disappeared. Rather, he would have banged out the three songs for selection, there would have been a rapid-fire televote and results announcement and we would have everything wrapped up in 30 mins. Instead, it appears that I am doomed to grow old with this ERT production.

Moi aussi!

2009-02-17T19:47:00.002Z

A little research shows this to be 1982 Luxembourgeois entry, "Cours apres le temps" by Svetlana which came 6th. A regular bar favourite across la manche! I hope Gary appreciated it.

I seen it

2009-02-17T13:49:00.004Z

Thank you, iPlayer. I too have joined the leagues of the mad/ the masons/ closet Eurofans / Scientologists / French).

I love how one of the men sitting down in the bar says 'Zaarrrrkozee!' loudly enough for us to get the setting. Some of us didn't need it. Truly bizarre. We should write to 'Points of View' and demand an explanation!

Too much too much I say

2009-02-16T22:30:00.001Z

My life it looks like cabaret.
Europe has now blessed us 20 of this year’s 43 entries, and I fear that already I may have reached saturation point. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed (seeing Eurovision entries in my sleep etc.) and wondering if I needed a break. I have been on edge for a number of reasons for the last few weeks and tonight I think I finally went over.
Whilst having my dinner I had one eye on Eastenders. I haven’t been following closely for the last while but during the course of the episode it became apparent that one of the main characters Gary was missing presumed dead. In the last few seconds of the show as the episode built up to the duh duh duh duh duh duh duh denouement, I saw something so unexpected that I jumped up from my dinner knocking over a pint glass of water with such force that went over the tv and all the electrical equipment at the other side of the room.
The episode had cut from Gary’s worried friends and relatives to a bar that was not the Queen Vic with a juicy young barman who was definitely not Peggy Mitchell watching the tv and flicking the channels. On the television, quite clearly I’m sure I saw an artist with blonde hair (who I did not recognise) performing a song in French on the 1982 Eurovision set.

Now there are a few possible explanations for what I saw:
1. Gary has travelled back in time to 1982 and has become trapped there and that is why no one in Albert Sq can find him
2. This is an in-joke a closet eurovision fan who works on Eastenders and Gary is supposed to be in present day France (are we like the masons?) where of course they are watching eurovision entries from 1982. Chic. Non?
3. This is a message from a secret eastenders Eurovision fan and we are like the masons (or scientology) everywhere in the highest echelons of the worlds of art, politics, science and culture
4. I have lost my mind.
Standing quinting a at a television almost electrocuted with a pint of water around my feet I am inclined to go for option 4. Too much Euro has sent me over the edge and I am seeing it everywhere.
I was alone in the house so nobody can confirm this for me... I think it is being repeated on bbc three as I type but I am too scared to check.
Did anyone else see this? Help!
Oh Euro, Why can’t I quit you???!!!!

A night to remember

2009-02-15T11:56:00.002Z

Well, Valentine's 2009 was certainly a packed evening for Europhiles, with five national finals taking place across the continent. All of these songs are now present and correct in our 'Story so far' video bar.

My overall feeling at this new crop of songs for Moscow is a healthy level of delight. The ballads from Iceland and Poland are very polished in production and may muddy the waters a little bit for the likes of Chiara and Jade. From last night's two, I see Iceland as the stronger as the Polish contestant doesn't really have the voice to deliver her song convincingly. Nonetheless, this is an improvement in songwriting from last year's For life (sorry Isis). The third ballad of the evening came from Lithuania and Sasha Son. This sits nicely out of time, the way Eurovision should be, and I applaud them for this consistently dated follow-up to Nomads in the night. The song will surely not impact on the leaderboard come May, but Sasha is a confident performer and if it were to be presented in English it may be a little more of a vote-winner.

True amazement and wonder, however, should be reserved for Moldova and Armenia, who also added their representatives to the heady mix last night. Moldova has gone turbo-folk and it's just a good old romp with frenetic brass band accompaniment and some crazy dancing - think last year's interval act with a slimline Chiara (everything's relative) on vocals. The live performance is worth seeing, but the YouTube clip available isn't quite high enough in quality for us to post up here. Finally, Armenia. Oh, lovely Armenia what gave us Qele, qele in 2008, and will surely come in the top 6 at Eurovision for all time no matter whether they send something decent or an overweight young man squirting fake blood over his shirt. This year, however, something magical, nay miraculous, has happened. Somewhere in Armenia - I like to imagine an underground bunker in a forest - scientists have managed to take the Mullan sisters (Ireland 1999) and our darling, darling Fabienne (Eurosong 1988) AND MAKE THEM ONE. Or rather two, as there are two of them - Inga and Anush.

Inga and Anush are sensational. When interviewed they actually seem like nice, softly spoken girls. In performance, they will scare the bejeesis out of you. New dance doesn't fit easily into any one musical category. There are strong folk influences and a rather simple main mid-tempo theme sung in English. However, this is interspersed with some extrordinary interludes of rhythmic uncertainty and vocal acrobatics, plus some good old-fashioned shouting in each other's face. People spin around like tops while I&A stalk the stage in black lace. It's an assault on the senses. Mystifying, terrifying, strangely uplifting. I'd say top 5 or bottom 5 in Moscow - this ain't no mid-table wallflower.

Readers, I think we have a vintage year on our hands.

Irlande douze points?

2009-02-12T22:03:00.005Z

Ahead of the irish final next Friday night, one of the songs has sneaked into the public domain by having to withdraw from the Latvian final in which it was simultaneously a candidate. "I wish I could pretend" is a contemporary sounding ballad (albeit with a slightly dodgy late 80s guitar riff) which could find itself on a B side to a kelly clarkson single and for ireland, this is progress. Perhaps I am too used to hearing songs in the very early stages of production and still sounding desperately amateurish make their way into the irish final and it could be that RTE's approach this year of looking for an artist and song with a "polished product" is fuelling me with premature optimism. But on first listen, if this represents the general standard of this year's irish selection I would be far from disappointed...

... so whaddaya think??

Do the Coochie Bang Bang - German swing strikes again

2009-02-11T08:07:00.003Z

Well, it is finally upon us - Miss Kiss Kiss Bang by Oscar Sings Alex Swings (a duo of German DJ Alex C featuring Oscar Loya) will represent Germany in Moscow. The act and song title were announced on Monday 9th and last night a version of the song became available. Take a look in our *ALL-NEW* 'Story so far' sidebar...

Now, I have seen that readers of a certain euro fan site have been coming down on this song like a ton of decidedly unswinging bricks. Here is my two penneth. Yes, as many fans have pointed out, it is a surprise to see Germany return to a swing theme only two years after Roger Cicero's disappointing 19th place in Helsinki with 'Frauen regier'n die Welt. However, there are some marked differences in this year's entry. First, it's not really a standard swing song in the way the 2007 entry was. The production is very Europop oriented, thus the song is much better set up for a big stage presentation and for all the Euroclub disco bunnies to do plenty of dancing along. Second, and very importantly, the song is in English. Swing in German just does not cut it - sorry Roger. It also doesn't go unnoticed that Oscar's destination is a little hot, hot, hotter than Roger's and this cannot be discounted. I'll bet Just can't wait until tonight could have gained a few more places in the table had Max not sported that combover.

These points aside, many of us might have hoped for something more sophisticated from Germany in 2009, given that they have taken the decision to go for an internal selection this time round rather than the 3-act national final format of recent years. Miss Kiss Kiss Bang is tacky, unoriginal and unlikely to do much better than mid-table in Moscow. But, I can understand how we have ended up with this song. Casting a glance back over Germany's efforts since 2000, I was expecting to remind myself of all those hopeless songs and placings, then I realised something quite important. There are some countries about whom we have a clear understanding of consistent originality and quality, for example France. There are some from which we might expect routinely off-the-mark efforts - see Latvia/Lithuania (excepting You Got Style - a magnificent tour de force). However, Germany has actually come up with a tricky combination of pretty ropey songs and novelty acts gaining relatively higher placings (Stefan Raab (2000), Lou - 'Let's be happy and let's be gay!' (2003)) than better songs that either failed to get the recognition they deserved (Texas Lightning (2006)) - or that totally crashed and burned with a dreadful live performance (Gracia (2005), and Vampires are Alive tribute act No Angels (2008)). Disappear is actually one of my favourite entries from 2008 and were it a contest based on studio recordings it would have been a strong contender. Similarly, I really did love Run and Hide but the performance was excruciating. Conversely, I found Max's 2004 entry quite dull but it seemed to strike a chord with the home voters and was well-suited to live performance. What I mean to say is that many people think Germany has been making a mess of Eurovision of late. The results haven't been good, but I think Germany has been trying hard to strike a balance of core song quality and potential stage presence/memorability, and with that in mind the Alex/Oscar combination makes a little more sense.

Germany has been hard-done-by on a couple of occasions in Eurovision and maybe a little more on the money on others - a German colleague of mine was recently bemoaning the absence of Stefan Raab who did a lot for the country's Eurovision profile with his astute novelty acts in 1998 and 2000. It remains to be seen whether Germany has chosen a vote-winning song this year. I fear that they haven't considered the return of the jury, which had it been present in recent years may have resulted in better scores for the likes of No, no, never and Disappear. Perhaps they've gone too far into televote mode and will have naked women jumping out of trumpets while Oscar does the 'skiddly skiddly bo'. But let's take it easy on them. I always look forward to what Germany has to offer and will watch with interest in May.

Pole position

2009-02-10T20:54:00.003Z

Amongst the various live shows to take place this Saturday, Piosenka dla Europy shall see the Poles choose their proud representative (and successor to Isis Gee) for Moscow. Perennial eurounderachievers, the country that brought us JP2 and pierogi has yet to give us a euro winner. I used to await the Polish entry with baited breath. In the mid nineties, the nation pushed the boundaries sending a dizzying series of fantastic female soloists with original and eclectic songs - Edyta, Justyna, Kasia, Ana Maria, they were enough to make me want to move to Poland and become a woman. But the naughties saw the zloty drop that perhaps euroland was not quite the vanguard of musical expression they had once thought... and "I want to know my sin" became "2 long" and "time to party". Boo.

But part of me still wants to believe that some day a Polish entry will hark back to those heady days, and as this year there are 10 songs in the Polish final which is a nice sensible number I'll have a look at what's on offer:

1. I nie mów nic - Stachursky
OK already in the still this guy looks like a used car salesman. Good god! He's started singing. There is enough grit in that voice for the whole of the M25. Against a yamaha home keyboard-esque backing track. Dreadful - NEXT!

2.Jacqueline - Det Betales
Hmmm, some kind of beatles reference? Eugh, I fear this could be Die Toppers part deux. Three aged men sing an overly cheerly lightning seeds esque ditty in a 50s style diner to three impressionable young girls who are at least 20years their junior. Down with this sort of thing.

3. Love is gonna get you - Man Meadow
Hold up I remember these clowns from last year, didn't one of them have his top off in the video? Despite the undeniable creepiness of that name, I'll click on this nonetheless... Thankfully they manage to keep their shirts on this time, but there is little else positive I can say about this melodifestivalen reject.

4. Everyday - Dali
Dali is an indie kid with a big quiff. It's not bad, but the UK is done with britpop now and I don't think it's about to take off anywhere else. He's going for a big finish though by throwing himself down the stairs. That's commitment for you.

5. Dobry czas - IRA
Hah! Nul points from the UK if this wins, but good to see that retired republicans are putting their time to creative rehabilitation projects. Actually this number is probably the best thing I've heard so far - unmistakable eastern european rock but there is something honest about this one. Rock on.

6. Kilka Slów - Artur Chamski
no recording available for this one so i'll move on.

7. All my life - Marco Bocchino & Ola Szwed
An Italian Stallion with a head of hair to match any mane and a fierce looking woman with the look of lola of lola rennt on a night bus... But the song is an unlikely pairing with those faces to say the least, a bland and forgettable ditty a la slovenia 2004.

8. Mon chocolat - Tigrita Project
Now this is more like it. A fiery redhead front woman oozes sensuality with a tango ballad sung in french that is thankfully more paris combo than Jari Sillanpaa. Lots of gutteral rrrrrs. With more than a whiff of blue café "swwwiiiIIIIIITTTT saaaang!!!!!!!", this is my fave so far.

9. I'm not sure - Renton
More indie boys but with slim fit shirts and ties this time just to make the point. Comparisons with the Kaiser Chiefs leap out but with maybe a touch of wake up boo? This ain't half bad actually.

10. I don't wanna leave - Lidia Kopania
Lidia seems to be the favourite with the fans and the girl can certainly sing. This ballad is a game of two halves for me. The verse is really contemporary and promises a lot but the chorus just misses the mark. But with a cheesetastic gospel choir to take it home I suspect this one will romp it, and in fairness I think it is the entry most likely to garner the most votes in Moscow.

Powodzenia!

xx

LIVE: Melodifestivalen SF1

2009-02-07T19:16:00.030Z

It's that time again. I'm so happy. Anyway, sorry for the late start - I have just missed some light comedy from Charlotte Nielsen (nee Pirelli nee Nielsen?) and part of Song 1. Onwards!

Song 1 Nina Söderquist - Tick tock
Nina is most well known in the UK for her appearances in the Monty Python Spamalot musical. This first number is very high in energy, quite rocky and a fantastic start to my favourite national selection. It's a polished performance, but I think a little out of kilter with what the general Euro-audience wants. Think Finland's 'Leave Me Alone' from 2007, but with Swedish showmanship.

Song 2 Jonathan Fagerlund - Welcome to my life
There's always a useful selection of implausibly good-looking young things in MF, and Jonathan falls into this category. It's a nice, upbeat pop song, which he performs almost perfectly. But, I fear that the general high quality will just squeeze this into the lower placings of the semifinal. It could win 25 other national finals. Not Sweden.

Song 3 Shirley Clamp - Med hjärtat fyllt av ljus
This song is extremely highly anticipated. A darling of the Swedish schlager scene, Shirley has tried and failed on 2 previous occasions to seize the ticket for the Eurovision final. Here she is with a pretty sophisticated ballad. It's got a little more to it musically than, for example, Sanne Nielsen's 'Empty Room', but it just hasn't got the impact, by some distance. Building up to a key change now, and - ouch! - the vocals are letting her down. A bit of cracking on the higher notes, and I'm just not feeling it. Poor Shirley - I fear reputation will have to carry her forward to the final, as the previous 2 performances in this show were stronger than hers.

Song 4 Scotta - Jag tror på oss
Looks like we have a blondey boyband coming up. Oh, only one of em is a blondey but we mostly get shown photos of him. This is a kind of an awkward half-way house between pop and rock n roll the way Bobbysocks saw it. The main singer is - again - implausbily good-looking, but this is pretty forgettable for me. Nice trio of backing singer girls but there's a bit too much going on. Naturally this could win a fair few national finals elsewhere, but see Song 2. This all feels a little rushed and desperate.

Song 5 Emilia - You're my world
We last saw Emilia in the UK charts around 10 yrs back when she scored a hit with that 'I'm a big big girl in a big big world' song that most people hated but couldn't get out of our heads. This time round I quite fancy this song to do well in this semifinal. It's got a touch of the Wino/Duffy/Lily Allens about it. She is totally gorgeous, but her voice isn't quite that strong. I think she's really quite nervous but holding it together pretty well. She reminds me of Alesha Dixon. Overall, though, this could be more of a song for radio than Euro. Ah, just got to the key change and the hallmark back-to-back triplets rhythmic sequence of all great MF songs. I'm unsure after the performance. I think this will depend on Emilia's national popularity.

Song 6 Alcazar - Stay the night
Jeesis, we're rattling through these. Here come MF favourite near-misses, Alcazar, but now minus Magnuss Carlsson. This is top drawer schlager. It's irresistible. Bright lights, colourful outfits, cute male singer. Main chorus is strongly reminiscent of 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' by ABBA. It was surely intended to be so. These guys always do well and this is a strong song with good production, key change (just now - hurrah!), the hallmark triplet (though not back-to-back) and a lot of energy. The biggest criticism would be that it's just a bit too in-yer-face from start to finish, but Alcazar weren't ever about subtlety.

Song 7 Caroline af Ugglas - Snälla, snälla
Now, Caroline has put in at least one previous appearance at MF. This song is distinctly different from the rest. Christ, very different. The name Janis Joplin is mentioned a lot during her introduction, and what we get is a rather soulful, pained ballad, with piano and guitar accompaniment. I tried to find out what the title means from a reliable Swedish source, but she has so far witheld a response. For my money, 'Snälla, snälla' can't really have such an attractive ring to it in anything other than Swedish and this is not a negligible weakness. But, unexpectedly, this is a little bit sensational. Understated, beautifully sung, really different. The most arresting performance of the show so far, for sheer poise and the potential to really stand out should it get to Moscow.

Song 8 Marie Serneholt - Disconnect me
And here we are at the final song. Usually MF draws put the strongest entrants first and last, so perhaps this is one to watch by default of the draw. We seem to have the juicy of the pack here - a glossy, lithe young slip of a thing who gives a very confident performance of a pop song that has whispers of Helena Paparizou, a dash of Bond theme and a killer MF ingredient...the lights-out silent interlude before a rousing reprise of the chorus. Strong, strong, strong. I can see people on the Patricia danceboat bopping to this every other song on MF final night, whether it wins or not (those of you who have danced on this boat will know that I am not exaggerating - see Att älska dig in 2005. There was a moment when I felt that I might have to remove my ears if I heard that once more, and I previously really liked it).

We're currently enjoying a reprise of all eight songs, which helpfully includes a snippet from the verse and chorus for each one. Unfortunately for Shirley, her chorus snippet features that unfortunate wobble on the high note. I fear for her.

My prediction? Well, traditionally 2 songs go forward to the final and 2 progress to the Second Chance round.

My two qualifiers:
Song 1 - Nina Söderquist
Song 8 - Marie Serneholt

To the second chance round:
Song 3 - Shirley Clamp
Song 7 - Caroline af Ugglas

I've left Alcazar out, but they would be my next in line, possibly replacing Caroline af Ugglas. Interestingly, we're seeing an interview with them now. I wonder if they're just a little bit past it? Also Magnuss is a big sweetheart and maybe he took a lot of fans with him...Song 1 and 8 will make it, I think, because of strong draw positions supported by excellent performances. I think the unversal Swedish obsession with Shirley Clamp will send her through for another chance, and Caroline just did something so different that I think we haven't seen the end of 'Snälla, snälla'.

Oh God, results already. They just don't hold back in Sweden. Here goes!

At this stage, I think we get informed of 5 possible qualifiers and I am WAY off the money as Emilia and Scotta have both been announced. 'Snälla, snälla' is in the five. So:

NO MORE CLAMP!

AND NO SONG 8!

And I thought I knew the Swedish system. Big surprises here. Clamp totally out of the running! Heartbreak! I will never forget her face in 2005 when she lost out to Las Vegas. God, is she alright?

Well, now there's another round of voting. Damned if I know what's gonna come of this.

An old man just sang a beautiful wee song. And now it's time for the RESULTS. How will I cope on final night when this is so nerve-wracking?

Right, this is where they've introduced something new, borrowed from previous Second Chance rounds. I love Sweden but why does this have to be so complicated? Song 4 (Scotta) and Song 6 (Alcazar) are going head-to-head in yet another round of voting. I take it this is for a direct qualification place. My money is on Alcazar and I consider this to be not much of a battle. And....

.....ALCAZAR go through. Easy. But what happens to Song 4?

So, song 4 progresses to the Second Chance round. Now EMILIA has been announced as through to the head-to-head. With..... CAROLINE AF UGGLAS!!! Great head-to-head. I favour Caroline af Ugglas - it's a great song, brilliantly sung. I think Emilia has struck gold on the Duffy train, but perhaps not enough to carry her to the final. Sweden has voted...

.....EMILIA goes through. Good result either way and she's thrilled.

So into the Second Chance for Caroline af Ugglas.

I was right on 1 out of 4 songs. And now we have Bruno Berberes from the French delegation to speak about the International Jury. The what??? He has an envelope. I haven't done my research. FOR AN 11th PLACE IN THE GLOBEN - ?!?!?!? - it's Caroline af Ugglas. I'm not sure how that will be worked out but it seems that the jury will select one favourite from each of the four SFs for some sort of head-to-head. I'm lost. I'll just sit back now and enjoy Emilia's reprise. Charming.

I love Sweden. Thanks be to Carola. Good night.

I'm Gonna Take This Shite and Make it Nevergreen

2009-02-05T21:30:00.013Z

A music critic once described the Eurovision Song Contest as a cultural anomaly, having little or nothing to do with the popular music of the day, the music industry, commercially viable artists or the world in general. If this is the case, Malta is to the Eurovision Song Contest what the Eurovision Song Contest is to the world. Home of the Nevergreen (a song out of date in whatever decade it is placed), it is no wonder that Ralph Siegel has applied for refugee status there after having his right to artistic expression banned in Deutschland.

This year's Maltese Eurovision final takes place on Saturday night and the big story is of course the return of Chiara. 3rd in Birmingham, 2nd in Kyiv. This time her journey back to the Maltese final has been one with many ups and downs. After the 2005 contest in Kyiv Chiara released her own fitness video in Malta ‘Dance Away Your Flab with Chiara'. The DVD was a huge success and she got her own weight down to 9 stone.

“I was feeling great. I had never known what it was like to be a thin person. I had a whole new status in Malta."

Despite the thinness, the accolades, reality tv appearances and tv hosting gigs, there was still something missing. Her Eurovision Crown. Soon after Malta had failed again to get through the 2008 semis, she was resolved to give it another go.

"My manager was keen to leave nothing to chance. We even discussed me going through a female to male gender reassignment and then another operation to take me back to female so I would be Eurovision’s first double transsexual, outdoing any pesky transsexuals that may end up in the eurofinals. He also wanted me to consider putting the weight back on, so I would be easily recognisable as the real Diva, Chiara. This was out of the question for me. I had worked so hard to lose that weight and I was feeling so good about myself that I didn’t want to go back.”

However in the run-up to the Maltese submission deadline Chiara mysteriously began to gain weight anyway.

“My diet hadn’t changed, I was still doing the exactly the same amount of exercise. I was at a loss. I should not have been gaining weight the way I was. I was miserable. Everyone was talking. The sales of my fitness DVDs crashed through the floor.”

It transpired that Chiara’s manager had been feeding her cakes intravenously as she slept. “Of course when I found out I was outraged. I felt betrayed. I wanted to sack him. I locked myself up in my bedroom and didn’t speak to anyone for 11 days. I wanted to do some really crazy things to him.”

As these 11 days passed Chiara had time to reflect on what her manager had done. “He sent me a letter apologising, assuring me it had been for my own good. He told me in this letter it was my destiny to return to Eurovision and win for Malta on my third attempt. To do this I would have to give the public what they wanted: the Chiara they know and love. Not some skinny bitch. I owed it to the fans and I owed it to Malta. I had to go back to Eurovision, I had to put the weight back on. I realised it was a matter of national, no, international importance that I gain the weight. Fast.”

Since then Chiara has been in training following a strict regime in preparation for this weekend’s Maltese final.

“I have been training for the last four months. My diet for Moscow Eurovision is as carefully prepared as Michael Phelps' was for Beijing Olympics. I am eating cake, a lot of cake. And also the odd sausage sandwich. I am almost back to the ideal Eurovision weight.”

With the pounds back on and the battle with her weight now won, the only question that remains is could anything else competing in Valetta on Saturday get in the way of Chiara fulfilling her Eurodestiny?

The short answer is: no. However in the run up to Chiara’s coronation there will be plenty to keep us entertained.

Ludwig 'on again off again' Galea may have got the heave-ho in an earlier round but the spirt of Opera is present in many of the other finalists. We have Life is an Opera and The aforementioned German refugee Ralph Siegel's Tonight at the Opera which sounds a bit like something from the Pirates of Penzance having a one night stand with the Going for Gold theme tune. Even if they have managed to leave 'Opera' out of the title that is no guarantee you're safe (see for example the Bonnie Raith and Liza Minelli Duet 'Avalon' ). Heartfelt ecological conscience award goes to 'One Million Ways' containging the lyrics "Climate change is taking place, risking all the human race". Will do more than 'An Inconvenient Truth'.

My top two to keep an eye out for:

Name: Baklava. Job: Kamikaze Lover. Formerly violinist for Olivia Lewis. Motivation: Love Love Love. Destination: Hot Hot Hot!

Phantom of the Opera (that 'O' just won't go) organ intro which gives way to a violin riff which is part Phantom part 'Polly put the kettle on'. Robert Myles beat. No sung melody just speaking fake whispered in the style of the French resistance in 'allo 'allo except much more sinister. Secret Garden eat your heart out! Despite having shat himself just before going on stage he manages to keep smouldering at all times. All of Malta quivers. Good man.

This next one is my absolute favourite. He's what we call in the business a Triple Talent. The boy can sing, dance and act. Kick turn turn kick! A song that Count von Count would have been proud of: "Turdy-four take me out for more!"

I was intending to finish this post with some comments about how I wasn't mad about either of Chiara's other Eurosongs on first listen and that this one could be a grower, that I wouldn't begrudge her her place in Moscow and that I would even be pleased if she managed to win the whole thing. Instead I will leave you with this:

Destination: Hot Hot Hot. Don't have nightmares. Do sleep well.

French Reactions

2009-02-02T23:13:00.007Z

The last 10 years? Ortal, if you are reading this: I haven't forgotten you: Thompson Pense à Toi aaaaoooow. Seriously though I do think that Tellier was exciting: not like anything ever to cross a Eurovision stage and even though he sung in English, the whole way team France approached the contest last year was very, well... French. Kaas is the present day embodiment of the Chanson tradition. It is exciting that an artist of such renown has agreed to do this contest with a song of such quality. My first listen gave me echoes of Brel's 'Ne Me Quitte Pas' and the thought that France will leave Moscow with its dignity intact and not as many points as it deserves. I hope the returning juries see that this is not the case.

My second thought is, that over my time watching this contest , as well as some real classy chansons (notably the 2001-2002 double) and a few wobbles in the wilderness (see HMSS Naya ) France, possibly more than any other country has had a knack for throwing up unexpected gems of haute qualité. It was almost non-stop at the beginning of the 90s Joelle Ursul, Amina, Kali, Nina Morato. All wonderful . And none of them attempted to toe the eurovision line or compromise for points. They got them anyway. Even the experiments that did not set the scoreboard alight (Dan Ar Braz, Marie Line) were songs that stood out from the crowd in a welcome way. Of late France have been inching (sorry metric: centimetering) back to this confident approach. Although the result in Helsinki was disappointing the 2007 National Final was excellent. 2008 and the Sebastien Tellier Coup was stroke of genius. And now Kaas.

In contrast, more often than not in recent times les rosbif have not known how to approach the taxing task of finding someone to send to Europe. Tongue in cheek? Tongue in, out, shake it all about. Thanks to this uncertain tact we get the holy trinity of Terry Wogan, cack and a Union Jack appearing together in a photoshoot in a May edition of the Radio Times year after year after year. At least we are guaranteed we won’t see this in May 09.

The difficulty in approach the BBC has had (up until the Lord Our Saviour(?) came to town) makes me all the more the more impressed with France Televisions’ efforts. How do they do it? They deserve to see the kind of placings they had in the early 90s but I wouldn’t dare say the ‘W’ word yet. What I would say is that the French Head of Delegation, Bruno Berberes is bringing Gallic back. Quality, Originality, Quintessentially French. Wonderful. Well done that man.

French song announced

2009-02-02T15:02:00.003Z

There has been much excitement around this year's French entrant, Patricia Kaas, which began with a will-she-won't-she media circus that was recently put to rest via an official statement of her participation. The song has now been announced - it will be S'il fallait le faire from Patricia's latest album, Kabaret. A video is below - thanks to esctoday.com.

On first listen, I'm very impressed indeed with this ballad. The production is great and the 'fairground' instrumentation adds considerable charm. Patricia has a stunning voice and there is no doubt that she will give a strong performance in Moscow. The song is currently too long so we shall see what comes of the 3 min version, as for the moment it might need a little bit more build to pack a punch with the audience in the final. However, I can't imagine how this won't be a huge hit with the juries. Surely this is the most exciting entry to come out of France this decade and a contender for the prize in May.

LIVE: Slovenia and Netherlands Results

2009-02-01T20:57:00.006Z

I'm monitoring both the Slovenian and Dutch streams and will comment on the winners as soon as I get the info. I'm definitely curious about the Slovenian contest but can expect nothing more than a lower-half of the semifinal table placing for the Netherlands in 2009, no matter which song they choose.

Slovenia has decided on Quartissimo, a string quartet crossover number with some 'popera' vocals. I didn't cover this earlier as I reckoned it didn't really have enough vocals to work in Moscow and I thought making a mimed instrumental look exciting would be difficult. But, it's entertaining. The female singer spends most of the song hidden behind some white cloth in silhouette. She bursts through near the end with a climactic melody a bit like the theme from Dallas or Dynasty.

Dima Bilan says "I wanna wish you good luck and maybe winner, because you have here many friends." He now speaks in Russian while the host looks confused.

I think this is a good choice, actually, and was perhaps too hasty to disregard it earlier. This should certainly be memorable, and I think that's what Slovenia needs in ESC.

Back in the Netherlands, the winning song (by a long stretch in the televote) is Shine. Best of a bad bunch. Angel of the night came second, so I wasn't far off.

LIVE: Netherlands select

2009-02-01T19:27:00.028Z

For as long as I can bear, I am going to watch and comment on the Dutch national final, which has just begun streaming here. God, the Ding-a-Dong woman is on the jury. Brilliant.

My understanding is that male vocal showbandy group De Toppers will sing 6 songs, from which a combined televote and jury decision will determine the song for Moscow. I really don't hold out much hope for this at all and expect six almost-identical, cheesy bop-a-long ditties that will hold nothing of interest for anyone outside the Netherlands (or perhaps just the studio from which the show is being broadcast). I would be delighted to be wrong. I am currently being treated to a kind of tongue-in-cheek summary of De Toppers' "Eurovision journey" so far.

19:33 Song 1: Our Night Well, the studio looks good, and De Toppers have appeared in glittering suits (a nod to Jade Ewen, methinks). This has some pleasing group singing but it's not uplifting enough to fit the lyrics. There are women in the audience wearing fur-trimmed cowboy hats a la some hen night in Blackpool. Next!

The host has used the word lecker, which I, according to a Dutch colleague, can pronounce perfectly. I'm great. Anyway, lecker means something like "fab", "great". I think it has been used out of turn on this occasion. I think the jury liked it too.

19:38 Song 2: Angel of the Night It seems the word 'night' is to the Netherlands what 'time' is to the UK. This one is good craic. Mysterious opening with solo bits from all three Toppers. There is a girl dressed as an angel flying in the air. And suddenly it's ruined. The quick beat has kicked in and, well, it's gone kind of crap. It has a wee sniff of something a bit Bond-y and they're doing some good falsetto. Ooh, there's some big girls on backing vocals... juicy. It's just soooo like a showband on RTE. I can't really get beyond that but this is better than Song 1.

Oh, I think the 1st grey-haired jury member might not like it. I love the way they say "Toppers". All looking a bit serious. Song 3 please.

19:43 Some Dutch people are singing a Euro-medley. 'Eres tu'. Even this sounds like it's at a Dickie Rock concert. Now both of old Cliff's Eurovision songs. Feather boas are being shaken in the audience. Now Brotherhood of Man. That face in the purple suit... I need a moment. Now 'What's another year?'. Who's gonna tackle Molitva?

It's finally wound up after 'Hallelujah'.

19:51 Song 3: Everybody can be a Star If I see another pink hat I'll squeeze out a tear. This one starts with some thooper falsetto. This is the cheesiest so far. "This is your chance". "This is your moment" - hang on a cock-a-doody minute...HOW DARE THEY!!!! MY MY MY MY MYYYYYY THYME!!! MY MOMENT! copyright ALW!

This is like a cup of luke-warm tea in a snowstorm. Unsatisfying, and annoying because you'd rather not have to hold anything in a blizzard. I think the jury are going to have vomit soon. I think the bald one in glasses has said it sounded a bit cheesy to him. That's what I wanted him to say. He probably said it's the most beautiful and original thing he's ever seen performed.

19:57 Song 4: Three is the Magic Number There's some faux-reggae in this one in which they appear to suggest some sort of group activity involving three people. Halfway through a kind of maddening turbo-folk beat kicks in which makes you feel like you might lose your mind. This is truly, truly horrifying. God help me.

It's gone down a real storm in the hall. Miserable. what is wrong with these people? The baldy judge has said something about "high tempo", "high energy". Another elderly jurist says something positive also. I want to die.

Bang on 20:00, a medley of Nationaal Songfestival numbers. Ding-a-Dong is on now. I'll bet that Zoe Ball look-a-like is raging. She's writing something down - it could be "Off with their Heads!" if we're lucky.

I wonder if Hell is like this? No, at least Phil Spector will be there and he's funny to look at.

I'm beginning to get to the point where the only things about this show that could possibly impress me would be 1. the end, now. or 2. factual assurance that the Dutch have invented a genuine time-machine and I am witnessing something that is happening in 1977.

20:08 Song 5: No One Loves Me Like You Sixties-style with the boys in pilot's costumes and the backing ladies in white wigs. This is - surprise, surprise - highly derivative but generally quite pleasant. The 60s backing vocals are nice, and it's much more measured than that, that thing that came before. My money is with this so far, or Song 2 because there's flying/witch burning potential in that.

Have I just lost my mind or was this one really ok? I want my mum.

Madame Ding-a-Dong has spoken. I dunno what she said. The other woman is speaking. She has described this one as 'not bad', as has the younger grey man. Song 4 is looking very threatening.

20:13 Song 6: Shine "Love will make us glow in the dark". Is this the best lyric in the world?

Suddenly we've fast-forwarded to 1997 (which is contemporary for ESC, non??). De Toppers have lights embedded in their gloves (Copyright Slovenia 2007). right, I really have lost my mind because this is alright. It's a good balance between something far too boybandy for these old gits and the usual shawaddwadddy nonsense they trot out. Think "Fly on the Wings of Love" (but of course not nearly as good).

Everyone is waving along. It is possible, just possible, that we will be saved from Three is the Magic Number.

We've just had an ad for Moscow, and now there's a re-cap of the six songs. Still think no. 2 is worth a whirl. Terribly dated but dramatic. I hate Song 3. Song 4 will be playing on some totalitarian dictator's iPod as s/he presses the nuke button to mark the beginning of WWIII and the end of the world. Song 5 is perhaps a little worse than I thought - I was so relieved earlier. Song 6 is my pick of a very, very ropey bunch.

Results at 21:25 GMT.

Slovenia chooses tonight

2009-02-01T18:12:00.008Z

Slovenia has been a tricky customer in Eurovision. Somehow, they never send anything that offensive, which of course is a blessing, but nor have they given us anything to really get excited about since Nuša Derenda flew around the stage in 2001 (God, them were the days).

Unfortunately, this year's finalists aren't really setting my heart (or herbs) on fire. I should mention the return of two former Slovenian representatives at Eurovision - Omar Naber who sang "Stop" in 2005, and Karmen Stavec who rather unfortunately crashed and burned with the catchy "Nanana" in 2003. Both return with well-produced efforts. I think Omar rather loses out this time, as his Western-sounding mid-tempo effort is just forgettable and bears little of the charm of his 2005 entry. I wonder if a Swede has had a hand in this composition? Karmen, on the other hand, has put forward a rather sassy little Slav 'n' B number ("A si želiš"), which may, as suggested by this amusing home-made YouTube clip, have something to do with a desire for riches (including diamond-encrusted pianos and large refrigerators). This clip also references a controversy from a past Slovenian selection. In 2002, poor old Karmen convincingly won the televote but was squeezed into second place when the juries chose drag trio Sestre. Perhaps 2009 is Karmen's thyme.

Anyway, I don't know enough about the popularity of the different contestants so one of the above might squeeze through on reputation. Aside from them, my three picks are quite eclectic. "Blond Power" is the novelty song of this selection - a kind of punky effort by a duo of female comedians called Bjonde, it's quite attention-grabbing, with whispers of Bosnia-Herzigovina 2008. Slovenia isn't normally a nation for that so it could help them to be remembered. Cut of a more traditional cloth, Samuel Lucas' song is more reminiscent of Omar Naber in 2005. With a strong rock voice and a good belter of a power ballad, this would probably be a pleasing effort. "Vsaj Za En Dan" is a rock-pop song from Nexys (who feature a rather giant looking lead vocalist). If you can get over the initial interaction with the stumpy guitarist, this is pretty contemporary, builds nicely and is well-performed. But is the backing singer wearing a boxer's headguard?

And finally, the award for most outrageous plagiarism of the 2009 preselection season must go to Nuška Drašček. I'm not sure what this song has to do with puppies, but please compare and contrast that opening riff with Gloria Gaynor in 1975 (tune into Gloria around 1:00 for the first chorus):

Amazing.

Lloyd-Webber's herbal essence

2009-02-01T17:50:00.006Z

We've all been crying out for the BBC to take Eurovision seriously, and finally they listen. Last night, Jade Ewen became the deserved winner of a place on the Moscow stage for Eurovision 2009, singing a brave new composition which strikes at the heart of modern Britain. With global financial crisis in our midst, many young British women like Ewen are faced with a life of shared accommodation, the property market moving ever further from their grasp. Andrew Lloyd-Webber cleverly seizes upon the nation's current love affair with competitive cooking (see Masterchef, Come Dine With Me) to tell the tale of one woman's fight to hold onto her own herbs in a house of multiple occupancy. Gritty, gutsy, true. Well done all.

Hear My Plea

2009-01-31T10:33:00.010Z

People of United Kingom. Please, please take the choice that you have to make this evening seriously. Today it is all too easy to lose hope. It is all too easy to feel powerless: wars, disease, financial meltdown (and in choosing the song that the UK will send to Eurovision). But tonight, you can make a difference. The very future of the United Kingdom at the Eurovision Song Contest is in your hands. After the BBC has apparantly thrown everything they can to turn UK fortunes around, if the act you choose tonight goes onto bomb in Moscow the only way is out. We can't turn back time, we can't undo Gemini, Scooch Andy Abrahams but tonight you can put some of that wrong right if you only STOP THE TWINS!

The production team are doing what they can making the twins perform 'The Promise' again, which was not their best and having Jade repeat the performance of the series 'Deja Vu'. ALW is doing his best, appearing with Jade and her family in The Sun (how exactly do you cry if your tear ducts have gone in a bag-ectomy?) and hinting that one of the acts might not manage in Moscow. He has even threatened to throw a hisssy fit and not go out to see his best mate Vlad in May if you don't vote the right artist in. Bar wearing a big T-shirt saying 'I hate the twins' what else can he do? Maybe concentrate on writing a half-decent song? They could show that Jade is leading the voting half way through and offer the chance of winning a car if you vote for the eventual winner (copyright RTE 2006- I can't believe that actually happened). Or maybe replace the tickertape in the bucket above the stage for twins' performance with red paint à la Carrie.

No, joking. That would be awful. Would probably backfire.

I love Bulgaria

2009-01-25T01:05:00.003Z

I just have to share this with someone. Anyone. Surely one of the best treatments for depression ever known, this clip is better than Prozac. Stay with it for the full 3 minutes as it just keeps getting better!

YCNY(AWCGSMIA): Live Semi Final Thoughts

2009-01-24T19:01:00.010Z

Even through the botox, Lulu is obviously hating having Boom-bang-a-bang shoved in her face in the opening. Great.

Mark: First performance: dancing is acceptable but he has all the sex appeal of Andy Peters. Second performance: Tim Vincent with the sincerity of a used cars salesman. If you don't want to talk about it would you mind not singing about it either?

The Twins: Danger! Danger! (medium to low voltage). After having murdered 'The Promise' by Girls Aloud last week and given a seriously lacklustre performance of Sugababes' 'About You Now' they give a cheese dripping but convincing performance of Everly Brothers 'Dream' that (I hate to say) comes out on right side of the cute/creepy divide. 'Outraged in Tumbridge Wells' will LAP this up. One thing is certain: if the twins go to Moscow it will end in tears.

Jade: Has not managed to recapture the magic of her first week. Not pitch perfect tonight (or "a little bit pitchy for me" to use the American Idol parlance) and some of it was a bit shouty. ALW talks about the importance of not turning the audience against an act by clearly favouring them but goes ahead and slabbers all over her anyway. Definitely deserves to win, but what would an ALW RnB song sound like exactly?

Also of note. I am going to have to check who the costume designer is. The dresses are dreadful. (Ruffled bodices, and Jade 'Thinking' in an outfit that may have been inspired by Salomé's 1969 get-up.) I suspect that it may be Linda Martin. (Not the same sainted individual whose flight came in on time but the BBC costume designer responsible for Samantha Janus' bodice almost 20 years ago in Rome. Different women, same taste in clothes.)

We could be in for a shock and Jade could be in the bottom two. It must almost certainly be the end of the road for The Emperors of Soul.

Anybody-we-can-get-several-months-in-advance

2009-01-21T22:07:00.014Z

Saturday, mid-January 2009. Danni, an Australian living in London finds herself alone and lonely. To chase away the winter blues she resolves to host a dinner party. After having spent every Saturday night in the months running up to Christmas with three of her closest friends, she is looking forward to them coming over to fill up her empty room.

Louis: Danni the meat in that main course was superb. It reminded me of the look that Nikki French was going for in Euro2000.

Danni: Thanks Louis, that means so much. So guys thanks for coming. What have you been up to since we finished up?

Simon: Not watching Saturday night television anyway. It has been abysmal since we vacated the schedules.

Cheryl: I’ve had a wee look at that “Your Country Needs You” on BBC1.

Simon: Case in point. That botoxed bastard was back from the dead and on the judging panel for the first week.

Danni: Sharon Osbourne?

Simon: No, Arlene Philips.

Danni: A long way from the glory days of Olivia Newton John and Gina G. Those twins are not fit for purpose. We auditioned them and kicked them out of boot camp. Remember? We made the right decision.

Cheryl: Oh my god those twins. I forgot about those. Two blubberin bastards.

Danni: Indisputable proof that all twins should be separated at birth. I mean it’s just, just creepy. It’s not right.

Louis: They’re great, they’re wonderful they remind me of a young Reg and Ronnie Kray.

Simon: I can’t remember seeing them. I’m sure we didn’t.

Cheryl: Yes Simon, we did: you said they had the personality of bananas.

Simon: Ok, yeah we did. I remember now: they had the crying but there but there was just no back story. We did think about inventing a dead relative (you know the usual with a birth certificate, bio, photoshopped family pics and death certificate) but in the end it didn’t seem worth it. All this Loyld Webber fanfare and they will end up with what they usually get: an x-factor reject. They should save us all the licence fee and we can release the year before last’s runner up to them. Except for Rhydian and Same Difference. Not finished there.

Danni: That reminds me, If Andy Abraham didn’t work why would Andy Abrahams x 5 work? Emperors of Soul: what is that about?

Cheryl: I think they are amazing. Their performances have really touched me.

Louis: They’re great they’re wonderful they remind me of an older JLS after they have been through the 40 years of pub gigs that now lie ahead of them. They’re what this competition is all about.

Simon: The whole production is sub-standard. They have our old banana-cast offs, the set is tiny and looks like it has been put together from bits of old Making-Your-Mind-Up sets, the graphics are dated, styling awful and when did Andrew Lloyd Bumface last write a good pop song???

Cheryl: Simon man, I don’t think you are being fair. Granted, you could say that the BBC's going about this the wrong way. The sensible thing would have been to get someone like Xenomania to write a contemporary catchy British pop song but Sir ALW is a renowned composer and at least it shows that the UK is taking the contest seriously. And you have to give it to them for bringing back a live band to a UK Eurovision selection. They didn’t even give Michael Ball live music when he sang all the entries in a Song for Europe in 1992. The Beeb are really making an effort this year and we should applaud them for that even if it is a misguided one. Only a few years ago the UK final was cobbled together recorded performances on a Sunday afternoon for 35 mins before Songs of Praise.

Simon: The contestants just aren’t good enough.

Cheryl: Did you see Jade?

Danni: She was the only one who has the ‘hungry eyes’ needed for Eurovision. All the greats have had them. You know, you could tell that she wanted it. I don’t know if it was that the rest of them were so appalling but when she came on I was like ‘wow’.

Simon: It was possibly the worst performance I have seen in my life and I’ll tell you why: emotionless. There were no tears... Her dad is blind for goodness sake. What a waste. Granted blind is not as good as being dead but they could have done so much more. We should have at least had “filling in the form for Eurovision was the last thing that my dad did before he lost his sight. It has always been his dream to see his daughter represent her country.” Has the BBC given up?

Cheryl: Erm I don’t know if he actually went blind. I think he may always have been.

Simon: Not important.

Cheryl: Thank God it you weren’t on Popstars when I was on. Are you sayin’ that that young girl should be exploiting the fact that both her parents are visually impaired?

Simon: BOTH of them! I hadn’t realised, that’s even worse. What a disgrace. A wide open goal and none of the production team (who are being paid by my licence fee might I add) can be bothered to take the shot.

Danni:I think she did have some good lines. I’m sure she said she was sad that her dad wasn’t going to get to see her dress. Just as well he didn’t see it or else he wouldn’t have let her out of the house. More thigh than a bucket of KFC or a Girls Aloud concert.

Simon: Still would have been a million times more effective with a few tears. I mean how difficult is a squirt of mace in the face? Bit of editing . BAM! How TV should be.

Cheryl: I am never listening to you again. She is in a different class from the others. I bet when her first performance is posted on youtube it will get 60,000 more views on than any of the rest of them. I’m so proud of her, of my little Jade, she’s come so far from when I first saw her for those 14 seconds at the end of that introductory programme.

Simon: OK Ok we get it. You’re not a racist there’s no need to keep going on.

Louis: She’s great, she’s wonderful she reminds me of a young Beyonce. Her performance was like doing a shite and not having to clean your arse afterwards. I mean you wipe it, and there’s nothing there. Text book. She’s great.

Danni: Coffee?

Simon: Look Danni to be honest I have to go. I mean we aren’t even on tv here. What is the point of expressing an opinion if no one can see it. I have a flight to catch to LA to take my seat next to that mental fox for the next series of American Idol.

Cheryl: In that respect her 1990 duet with that Cat was not completely accurate.

Danni: Cheryl you’ll have coffee.

Cheryl: I’m sorry pet I have to shoot off as well. Me and the girls are startin’ our arena tour tonight. I have to be at the O2 in 20minutes.

Danni: Louis surely you don’t have anything to do until the next series?

Louis: You’re great you’re wonderful you remind me of an older Kylie Minogue.

Danni: Get out.

I'm Not Afraid To Move On

2009-01-08T15:23:00.013Z

Kiruna, 8th of March 2008, The Day the Music Died.

It is only now, almost a year later that I am able to face this blog again. The painful memories are finally dimming. I have been through it over and over in my head over the last 10 months. I have made so many attempts to understand why the Swedish nation sent Carola (and Andreas) out of Melodifestivalen, but the truth is we may never know the reason why. She is not the first great figure to have been betrayed by her people (see Julius Caesar, Jesus, Margaret Thatcher).

The music died. This blog has been frozen. But the world went on. Eurovision 2008 came and went, as did Wogan, global financial meltdown happened and countries even began their selections for the 2009 Contest. But STILL it didn’t feel right to leave the period of mourning. I was contemplating completely avoiding the 2009 Eurovision cycle* to see what else life had to offer. And then, just before Christmas, a sign. The great one addresses her fallen acolytes: This intimate moment captured on camera by an angel in the audience and posted on Youtube. She discusses the pain of betrayal, shares some of what the therapists have told her, forgives Nordman their witch burning and reveals her moment of desperation following Kiruna when her local Homebase ran out of potplants. Finally she leaves us in no doubt that she is reconciled with this painful episode and has found peace. She even has the good grace to forgive Andreas and release him from that bed and piece of elastic.

If she has forgiven and moved on then so must I. Finally the time has come to leave the events on that dark day behind. I can finally clear up that torn up Ikea catalogue from my floor and return to Euro. National finals season is here. It is time to cast my nighted colour off and join in the fun.

With Turkey and Albania chosen and the BBC (usually champions of the anybody-we-can-get-at-the-last-minute selection format) already on a multi-week selection journey there is much to catch up on and discuss. Let the circle begin once again! There will be upset, scathing disgust and disbelief at national decisions. This will be swiftly followed (in most cases, not all) by acceptance and even dreadful dancing to songs once despised. God bless the sweet cultural lobotomy that is the Eurovision Song Contest.

All I want, All I need is for Euro to stand by me.

2009. One love.

*copyright Tyra Banks : fierce

Satuday 8th March 2008. 19:42 GMT

2008-03-10T23:59:00.003Z

a polish treat

2008-02-17T01:27:00.002Z

Hello dear.

Whilst reeling from the hagg reeling from the injustice and indignity of facing a "lucky losers" round (a thousand swedish pot plants are probably being ripped from their roots as i write) i happened upon this "wildcard" which has made it into the Polish final without the song itself actually being uploaded onto their national final website. Yes it has been another wild Saturday on the tiles for me. Anyway, if you can see past the amateur video and the pronunciation surpassed only in incomprehensibleness by Isis Gee, I think that this could be a very enjoyable entry from Poland.

Enjoy xx

the phantom of the opera

2008-02-05T22:52:00.000Z

Hello chickies

New year new euro! The optimism ends here for me, however, as I have grave concerns that the powers that be across europe (aka drunk televoters and desperate belarussian housewives) may not be taking their responsibilities seriously enough. February has scarcely begun and already we have a clutch of entries for what will be the largest contest in its history. Unfortunately it been downhill since Albania, and Albania was pretty much at sea level to begin with. Those who feared 42 sour-faced lesbian power ballads should have been more careful what they wished for, as even Eastern Europe seems to be taking the piss this year. Much has been made of Ireland's prospective entry from a stuffed turkey named Dustin, with all the predictable cries of "Ireland sends a turkey, what's new???" etc etc. Yet looking at the field so far, Dustin may well be wondering if he isn't risking his artistic integrity. Here are my meanderings on a few of the recent offerings...

I had high hopes for Azerbaijan. I liked the name. I liked the fact that I had learned a new word, "Azeri", meaning somebody from Azerbaijan. I especially liked the fact that they had put just three songs in their national final. One of them, i thought, was a perfect blend of ethno fem-rock to take to euro, a bit like putting PJ Harvey into a tagine, and out came Unformal with "The End":

Perfect. 12 points from a few friendly neighbours and a top ten finish, no problem. Things began to give way in the week leading up to the final with the annoucement that "the song that wins the national final may not be the song that goes to Belgrade". I smelt a rat. Yet nothing, nothing could quite have prepared me for my horror:

Apparently they have until February 15th to change their mind about the song. I have been in touch with Amnesty to start my letter writing campaign as inflicting this upon the unsuspecting ears of euroland must constitute a more serious breach of human rights even than scooch.

Things were not looking up in Lithuania either. Voters passed off the perfectly acceptable "Troy on Fire":

.. in favour of a man whose vocals and general demeanour could only have been the product of having been raised in a dark cave with nothing to live on but dry bread and barbara streisand's back catalogue.

Malta's effort at least offers some decent advice. I can see Wogan getting good mileage out of "Vodka", and out of "Morena" who indeed seems like she might be good craic on a night out. Yet she herself is much better than this blur of turbofolk-schlager fusion and its crass attempt at courting the Eastern European vote. Mine's a double, thanks, straight and no ice.

The Czech Republic was another one that rejected a rough diamond. "Józef, mój kochany" would probably have gone nowhere, but dignity at least would have been intact. Instead, we have Tereza advising "if you want to have some fun, don't run". Unfortunately, Tereza can't really sing. But she has nice earrings.

Estonia is just too awful for words, and as for Denmark, if you can watch it from start to finish without vomiting I will give you a pound.

Nightie night

xx

Anyone got some smelling salts?

2008-01-11T17:33:00.000Z

Readers, what I have just seen and heard may take some getting over. Sit down, move all sharp objects and hot drinks out of harm's way, and click below:

Cinema Bizarre are one of the 5 acts competing for the German ticket to Belgrade in May. And it's quite good. I'm stunned. It sounds contemporary, all those wee boys have nice costumes and make-up (plus one of them looks like Michelle Williams off of Dawson's Creek. Amazing.), and most importantly it's all really Euro-friendly. Lots of tATu-esque stuff going on, particularly in the chorus, which should certainly appeal to the Russian/Belarus vote. Of course, anything could happen on German national final night - February 6th - but I'm impressed by this offering.

It's worth checking out their Japanese-style website here. Juicy.

In other German news, the highly successful girl band No Angels are also going for the Euro ticket in Hamburg. It could be Monrose (a.k.a caterwauling disaster) mark II, but even I had heard of No Angels before now, and though falling someway short of the impact of tATu for Russia in 2003 this is big news. Watch this space.

PS I should highlight an error in my maiden posting of 2008. The Norwegian songs I mentioned are not even guaranteed finalists! Curses! They are taking part in the first of THREE darned semifinals, which is being aired TONIGHT. I suppose I should finish the job now that I've started, so if I can will myself I'll make mention of the other two semi-f's in due course.

New Year, Old Hat

2008-01-07T19:11:00.000Z

Drivers are warned to take caution as Albanian and Norwegian artistes stand firmly in the middle of the road for yet another Eurovision season

It seems like just yesterday when I shared the same smoke-machine-infused air as Cypriot songstress Evridiki and hailed her as the Euromoments tip for semifinal success in Helsinki. Yes, Euro2007 brought pain (I'll spare you the account of my hours of anguish over my last-minute decision not to attend my own Eurovision Final Party in a Marija costume - oh, the bitter tears I shed...) and mortification ("Sprang!", sunflower, medieval costume). But there was also plenty in which to delight - Sopho Khalvashi's performances for Georgia still bring a tear to my eye and I will never (ever) get over how Portugal managed to turn a turd sandwich (why let a great analogy go just because it's getting old?) into a turd sandwich without the turd.

Anyway, in the words of Marion Fossett, here we are together again after all this time. And it feels great.*

From the top, I'd better say that, for the sake of my sanity, I'll mainly be restricting comments to the winners and confirmed finalists in this year's national selections, otherwise I might explode. So, whilst there is plenty of stuff floating round at the moment, the first posting of 2008 will feature only ALBANIA and NORWAY. This will be quick and painless. In fact you'll feel nothing. Nothing at all.

ALBANIA

Well, I think that says it all. Nice girl, nice song, nice to see Albania reserve its place in the 2009 semifinal. No bite, same old musical themes as previous entries, and considerable references to the 2007 B&H song, which was better and still didn't cut the mustard with the voters. It's been downhill since Anjeza.

NORWAY
Now, sometimes you listen to the finalists for a national selection and wonder whether it had ever been considered that there's a competition happening in May? Every one of the six songs on offer from Norway is pedestrian, unoriginal, middle of the road. None of them has any punch, and all drift along from 0 to 3 minutes to ultimately leave you feeling cold. Thankfully, nothing inspires the venom in me that last year's eventual representative produced (although that picture of the winking Tinkerbells does kind of creep me out). However, I really do believe that a little thought into how to sell a song in 3 minutes wouldn't do any harm.

Till next time.

*Marion didn't say the bit about it being great. In her case, she was right to omit such an observation.

Evri way that she can...

2007-05-01T17:18:00.000Z

After some delay, carlytime productions is pleased to present exclusive images from Evridiki's recent visit to London. The 2007 Cypriot entrant played to a delighted crowd at Club Palace on Green Lanes, and Euromoments' very own Carlytime and Mr Thompson were there to capture it on camera for our darling readers (that's us plus noogie - Hello us! We love you long time). After an extended introduction auf Greek (we smiled and clapped when everyone else did) and the presentation of various several bouquets of flowers by eldery gentlemen, we were treated to a performance of this year's entry, Comme ci, comme ça.

There followed a solo set from Dimitris, who looked very lovely (right) and certainly had some dedicated fans in the majority-Cypriot audience.

During Dimitris' solo performance, young Evridiki hopped off the stage and joined the crowd to watch her pal. At this point, your bloggers stopped breathing and began to fizz and pop with excitement, as we were inches away from the star. I have rarely known such delight.

Thankfully, asphyxiation was narrowly avoided as Evri soon took to the stage again with a rendition of some traditional Cypriot song or other. We became quite entranced by her very accomplished a cappella performance, not least for her excellent singing but also as this was the first time we had taken in fresh oxygen in about 6 minutes and it sent us a bit crazy. I think there were about 98 verses in total but I recall 8. The set rounded off with another performance of Comme ci, comme ça to rapturous applause, before Evri and Dimitris were spirited away by their bodyguard and the disco (possibly provided by London Greek Radio?) continued with gusto. Boom!Shake the room! never sounded so good.

After a treat of these proportions, we feel it only fair to give the Official Euromoments Semifinal 2007 vote to: CYPRUS. And we would encourage you to do the same. Thankyou pliz.

Sometimes we think it might have been a dream. But see for yourself. Who is that jussy in the foreground? nnnnnnnnnnggggg!!!!

VERTIGO

2007-04-12T18:17:00.000Z

Has anyone else started to wonder how Valletta is going to cope with the influx of 10 million flag-waving, fake-tan-wielding Eurofans in May 2008? The first time I saw Malta's national final performance I wrote Olivia Lewis' effort off as an out-and-out mess. I wished that they'd stuck to the On again, off again format and left all this "epic" nonsense behind.

Then the video came out, and I felt sorry for poor Olivia - all she wanted was a nice big Chiara tune to belt out in Helsinki, and they've made her run around like something from a French & Saunders parody while being chased by a ghost (sh*t, there I go spoiling the ending for you...)

But here's the catch. I've shown this video to some select non-Euro cohorts, and THEY LIKE IT. THEY THINK IT WILL DO VERY WELL. What result will May 10th produce?

They say yes.
I say no.
Loving ESC gives me vertigo.

Carlytime's Easter Egg

2007-04-05T16:52:00.000Z

Hello possums.

Well, to use another word of which our dear Dame Edna is fond, Easter is a spooky time of year (coming back from the dead an' all that). So, I thought I'd treat you to a little mystic Euro-connection.

Have you noticed that both Ireland and Iceland use "stage" and "cage" to form a rhyming couplet in their 2007 Euro entries? Check it out:

Ireland Lyrics
Iceland Lyrics

Thanks to The Diggiloo Thrush for the lyrics.

"Jeepers Creepers! That Carlytime's a tough one!" I hear you cry. But wait - there's more. Listen verrrrry carefully to Belarus and France because they carry the same damned violin riff in the backing track (thanks to noogie and Mr Thompson for the tip-off). You'll poop your pants and wow your Euro-pals with that little nugget.

Happy Easter Chickens.

Carlytime's What's Hot and What's Not Vol 2

2007-04-02T16:33:00.000Z

Volume 2: Descent of the Drag Queens

Oh we are a lucky bunch of europhiles this year, with not one but two men dressed as women to entertain us in ESC. Because, of course (come on now, everybody sing it together:) "Eurovision is all about fun and having a good time". Dressing up as a woman has not always been my idea of fun and I AM ONE. Fortunately, it's not necessary to run away just yet, as the two cross-dressing countries of 2007 fall beautifully under my two favourite labels...

HOT
Ukraine - Lasha Tumbai - Verka Serdyuchka
For the heated debate on the meaning of the song title, see Noogie's most recent posting. This has turned into quite the sensation of 07. Poor old Verka has brought us a rather amusing little turbo-folk ditty that harks back to Alf Poier's Austrian entry of 2003, with quirky costumes, the old accordian (Wogie loves his accordian) and some nice catawauling backing vocals. On first listen, it's the kind of thing you think you'd prefer to pull your own toenails out to than hear in its entireity, but if you stick with it you can suddenly imagine throwing a few shapes to it on some European dancefloor or other this summer. Because it's CLEVER fun, and in Carlytime's opinion that's the only kind that's allowed in euro (and in Carlytime's very self-controlled life). Anyway, it all sounds good for Verka. But some sillies in Ukraine now want to ban her from the contest! Oh! Gnashing of teeth and grinding of bones, we haven't stumbled across some homophobes have we? Actually, no, that would be too simple. The main reasons to complain about Verka are apparently that she makes fun of middle-aged women and will ruin the name of Ukraine in Europe by portraying a stereotypical Ukrainian villager. Hmm, yes, this won't do. Other comedy acts don't take the piss out of women or make characters out of stereotypes... Honest to God, though. Seriously, though. Well, any publicity is good publicity - expect to find Verka near the top of the scoreboard on May 12th. Ein! Zwei! Drei!

NOT
Denmark - Drama Queen - DQ
Still not as offensive as Scooch was the highest accolade we could offer this during our deliberations at Euromoments HQ. It's a turd sandwich, but with organic bread, or maybe with a little rocket and cress added for colour. I simply do not want to know about DQ's "I am what I am" style number telling me how dressing up in a big pink frock of an evening allows him to forget his daytime woes. I ain't no homophobe or nuffink - I just disagree with derivative schlager-machine foolishness supposedly being made more palatable by some sort of real life interest in the lyrics. I'm hopeful that this will not make it out of the semifinal, but anything is possible (and No Dream Impossible - cheers Lindsay) in Euro so I might just be force-fed that organic turd sandwich on two glorious and sorry occasions in May. For God's sake give Mahlene (2002) another chance - I wonder how she's getting on?

Carlytime's "What's Hot and What's Not" Vol 1

2007-03-28T13:07:00.000Z

So, all of a sudden we find ourselves in that funny "no-man's-land" between the National selections and the contest where you might think there's no need for a blog. But that would be sad for Carlytime, so I'll soldier on whether you like it or not.

During this phase of Euroseason there's traditionally a lot of attention given to discussions of the different countries' relative chances, the running order, placing bets etc. I don't think I can tackle (or you can bear to read) an analysis of potential qualifiers/winners/top 5s etc. Instead, I'm going to offer a few snapshots of opinion now and then, where I say a little something about which songs I'm enjoying, which make my teeth itch and how I think things might pan out for both categories of song in May.

Volume 1 - Female soloists: Latin vs. Lordi?

HOT:
It could just be my hormones this week, but I'm thoroughly enjoying the angst-rock offerings in this year's line-up. Finland's Hanna Pakarinen is someone who passed us by in the national selection frenzy, but her rock ballad Leave Me Alone certainly packs a punch. As the video evinces, this is music that you can upturn the breakfast table to - heavy drums and guitars aplenty, and jussy lyrics about some love rat or other. I agree with noogie that the verse holds a lot of promise upon which the chorus doesn't really deliver. However, I think the Euro-ear is currently sympathetic to a more contemporary rock sound, and as the home nation's representative Hanna should get a good reception. In my research, I also found out that Hanna is Finland's answer to Kelly Clarkson, having won their equivalent of Pop Idol a few years ago and with a couple of best-selling albums under her belt. I'm hopeful that she will therefore give quite a solid vocal performance on the night, as she's obviously experienced. Overall, it's a nice change to see that young female soloists no longer need to be a meek starlet in a byuddaful frock or a 16-yr-old deity in the making (Hail Carola, Full of botox...) to give it a go in ESC. A similar entry comes from Moldova's Natalia Barbu with Fight. An Evanescence-y number with a violin ostinato form the lady herself - nice one, Nats! I like a good fiddle. This needs to qualify out of the semifinal and will probably crash and burn, but I appreciate the effort.

NOT:
Oh so definitely NOT HOT are this year's predictable latin-pop ditties with something about dancing in the title. Ugh, my skin is crawling just thinking about them. Norway and Portugal - SHAME ON YOU. Norway is giving us a Lena Phillipson tribute act (can you imagine the desperation??) who re-hashes Marie N's 2002 winner - badly - under the title Ven A Bailar Conmigo. Thanks Guri but, you know... NO. And as for Portugal, well I'm embarrassed for them. Their 2006 effort was truly dreadful and one would have thought it couldn't get any worse. It can, and it has. The lack of originality in these latin dance numbers has reached such an extent that poor Sabrina from Portugal had to borrow the title for her song from Norway. Dança Comigo is dated, pedestrian drivel, and from the preview video it seems that 'Brina and friends can't even sing this most simple and inspirationless song in tune. When Guri invited me to take to the floor with her, I gave a flat no. To Sabrina, I'm afraid I'd have to say something much stronger. For the moment, I can restrain myself, but if for some reason the world should turn on its head on May 10th and vote this through to the final, the reader should be prepared for various several unsavoury expletives all over the place.

Until Vol 2...

Does anyone have any points for the turkey?

2007-03-21T03:04:00.001Z

“There are not words to speak of
There are not words to say
There are not songs to sing on
News days like today

There’s only time to carry
These darkest doubts away
There’s only hope to cling to
On days like today

Should hang our heads in shame
What we’ve done in (Carola's) name
Should hang our heads in shame
Only ourselves to blame”

I am only just now coming round from my weekend rage. I hadn’t been that angry since the invasion of Iraq. For quite a while after I had that horrible exhausted feeling that you get when you’ve had a really bad argument with someone.

Horror as Scooch make the final two. Joy as Cyndi is announced as the winner. Confusion. Horror. Despair. Darkness. Should we blame Wogie for this emotional battering?

Many Eurofans have wanted him publicly burned for a lot less than this. I have a deep (some would say unhealthy) love for this man and would consider myself a TYG. In spite of all the recent flack, I’m not giving up on you Wogie. However, this is the sort of mistake that the Wogmeister would crucify a Eurovision presenter for in his commentary. Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy? Ant and Shriek? Amazing Menounous? Not one of them made such a fatal error. A seasoned pro who enjoys dishing out derision and downright contempt should be above this sort of farce if he wants to keep dishing. That said, I think his mistake pales into insignificance when compared with the biggest mistake of the night.

“But this is what Eurovision is all about! Fun!” No. Gina G was fun. Gildo Horn was fun. Alf Poier was fun. Daz Sampson was fun. At a push Silvia Night was fun. Even Hitler had a certain amusement factor with that funny little moustache. Watching the Scooch Air diaster is about as fun as being slapped in the face with a wet shit.
“Would you like a something to suck on for landing sir?” Fuck off.

Who is going to be reformed especially for Eurovision next? The bubonic plague? Smallpox? No, that’s not fair. At least we’ve heard of these.

Can someone please explain how in the space of a few short weeks we took the leap from Morrissey to Scooch? I said that I had a sinking feeling that this could happen, but I never really thought that the worse case scenario would actually come to pass. To think I was worried that Lisa Scott Lee would be involved! Ha! The whole sorry mockery of a sham is the equivalent of being tempted into a restaurant with the promise of a Mitchelin five star gastronomic delight. When you sit down at your table you are presented with a menu that comprises of the same happy meal five times but with five different toys. Perhaps you should try the special instead?: “I see that today’s special is a turd sandwich. Could I go for that please? Hold the anchovies but can we get an extra helping of disgusting-crude-innuendo? Actually do you have any humour free disgusting-crude-innuendo? I’m humour intolerant. Also do you have any low fat dairy creamer?”.

A poor man’s Steps? There has never been a better reason for charity. The poorest of the poor should be able to afford a better Steps rip off than this. Bear this in mind the next time you pass someone selling the big issue. Give generously.

Is it too late to put things right?
We could build a time machine and travel back to St Patricks day 2007 and push Fern Cotton off stage just after the announcement so she doesn’t get a chance to make the "correction".

We could try to have it disqualified. All we have to do is prove it had an airing before rules allow. This is unlikely though as it sounds like it was written on the morning that the MYMU line up was announced.

In the immediate aftermath I hastily considered cancelling Eurovision in our house this year. I quickly realised that this would be too much. How to respond? I am not one for booing and did not enjoy the carryon last year with Silvia Night and Lithuania. Perhaps on the 12th of May we could ‘Woooo’ at Scooch instead, just like they do at the end of Dangerous Liaisons when Michelle Pfiffer dies her society death at the opera. Or we could put a bunch of flowers in front of the tv. Broadcasters in the Lebanon replaced the Israeli entry with a picture of a bunch of flowers one year They cut the transmission completely when it looked liked the old side-ways strut had taken an unassailable lead in the voting. Desperate times. Desperate measures. In the unlikely event of an emergency…

I am getting this all wrong. We should not be focusing on solutions. We should be thinking about who we can blame.

Richard and Judy. If it had not been for these two getting caught pulling the wool over people’s eyes with ‘You say we pay’, we would not have the current hysteria over televoting. Without those independent scrutineers breathing down their necks, the Beeb were bound to have put Cyndi through in a vote fix special. Maybe this is how Wogangate occurred. No one had tipped him off that things had to be done honestly this year.

The Greeks. They come up with that democracy thing didn’t they? Let the people have their say. It got George Bush re-elected (let’s face it that first time wasn’t democracy) and now look what it has done. Thank you Athens and goodnight.

The Great British Public and their infinite wisdumb. Rule Britania, Britania Ruins the Waves. This includes myself as I did not vote. Honest to God though, seriously though. What were we thinking? That dark haired fella is so sinister: manically straining and over-pronouncing (stage school wasn’t wasted) every innuendo as if someone has slipped him a laxative and he’s clinching for dear life. One co-passenger on Scooch airlines was heard to say this flight attendant had the look of someone who would knock you over to get to a sex-on-the-beach at GAY. The blonde one (Quizcall 2am Channel 5- and to think I was indignant about the participation of Liz and Brian ‘reality stars’) is a poster boy for all people who definitely should not be smug but definitely are. A face crying out to be slapped. The airline gimmick isn’t even original. It was done (and done a good deal better too) FIVE years ago by Slovenian transvestite airhostesses.

The only small blessing is that when this crash lands in Helsinki, there can be no doubt about why it happened. The black box will show that it was not because of Eastern European neighbourly voting nor British unpopularity because of the war in Iraq. It is because it was shit. Pure and simple. The black box will also show that all the passengers died because the Cabin Crew were making silly innuendo and trying to out-tango each other when they should have been doing their safety demo.

Faces more orange than any Easyjoke uniform. Four shining dots visible from outer space. An act more worthy of air rage than the worst Ryanair customer service. All the other competitors must be disgusted. Even poor Brian Harvey (god love him) has the right to be upset. Imagine what it must feel like to be beaten by a turd sandwhich. Why would anyone of any merit EVER come near a UK Eurovision selection ever again? Morrissey?! We’d be lucky to get Mr Blobby. I really think he would be unwilling to compromise his artistic integrity. Britain, not that Great.

Our Carola who art in Sweden forgive them. They know not what they do.

chicken kiev on the mongolian barbecue

2007-03-20T23:03:00.000Z

quick addendum - i think i might have judged the ukranian entry a little hastily. After accusations that the demented chacken was heard chanting "Russia goodbye!" during the winning performance, the tinfoil encased babushka refuted the accusations immediately. "You doozies! I was singing 'Lasha Tumbai'" she cried, claiming it was OF COURSE Mongolian for 'whipped cream'. Worried NTU execs were temporarily assuaged, but cynics at diggiloo.net were not to be fooled, and on consulting mongolian scholars on the matter, discovered that- shock horror!! - whipped cream is actually called something else in Mongolian. Dame Verka, meanwhile, remains resolute to the point that she has changed her song title to "Dancing Lasha Tumbai". Brilliant.

they can't stop the spring.... can they?

2007-03-20T21:40:00.000Z

According to my nice black marks and spencers diary, tonight is the eve of the vernal equinox on which day, according to said source, spring begins. Sprang! Could have fooled me, for whoever "they" are, they seem to be making a pretty damn good job of it so far. HOWEVER, the line "the archipelagic icicles have melted like the cage" has provoked debate in come circles (ok, one circle... well, actually triangle) and i was delighted that my favourite communist newsletter the guardian G2 yesterday enlightened me. The line is a reference to "The Gulag Archipelago", the seminial work by nobel prize winner Alexandr Solzhenitsyn who was sentenced to eight years in the gulag or Soviet labour prison camp after he critised Stalin in private correspondence with a friend. Of course! Like, duuuh.

Meanwhile, the United Kingdom's entry provides a comparable showcase for lyrical subtlety:

"Care for some salted nuts sir?"

No i damn well wouldn't, you repellant, aging, preened throwback to a 1980s sitcom. Whilst my vitriol has subsided considerably since the night that I shall hitherto refer to as Noxious Saturday, I am not quite yet up to talking about this matter openly. Will do soon when my therapist gives me the green light. Brace! Brace!

Kisses xx

EuroShame

2007-03-17T22:46:00.000Z

I'm doing my best to compose myself...but it's not easy.

The men, women, boys and girls of this nation in which I reside have, in their infinitesimal wisdom, chosen Scooch to represent the British Isles in Helsinki. Four 30-something never-has-beens, dressed as airline trolley dollies, making innuendous interjections about "something to suck on while you land, sir?" over a backing track that probably once nearly made it as a Steps B-side. Thanks guys.

I initially felt encouraged by the huge studio, the modern set, and by the general standard of presentation. I got into the spirit of things, feeling a little sorry for Brian Harvey as I watched his mum wipe his mouth for him in the postcard VT (someone tell me you saw this too - tragic), and even when he subsequently strained his way through the 3 minutes of his constipation-station ballad I felt uncomfortable, but safe. I thought the studio panel of 41 European neighbours was a nice touch. And I was delighted to see my tip, Cyndi, make it to the final 2.

Then it all went wrong.

Sir Terry Wogan, the face of BBC, announced the wrong winner. This was an out-and-out live television disaster. I don't care if you're a knight of the British Empire or if you get paid for charity work or whatever. If you are building up to an exciting finale of a televote, with only two possible winners, you have to get the bloody winning name right. After Terry's blunderous announcement that Cyndi had won, there followed a dreadful comedy of errors where his co-host Fearne Cotton had to consult her ear-piece and confirm that Scooch were indeed the winners, in the midst of all the ticker tape and cheering in celebration of Cyndi. As if it wasn't insulting enough to have four grown oompa loompas (who literally have the wrinkles to show for how much they should know better) "Flying the Flag" for us in Helsinki, we were cruelly misled into thinking that somehow a sea change in British public opinion had resulted in them actually having some blimmin wit. But so it is that I shall be having nightmares about those four orange faces until at least May 12th. And if they win in Helsinki, friends, I might never recover.

I never thought I'd see the day, but Zoe Salmon, you have been knocked off the top spot on my GFY (God Forgive You) chart.

I think we should all just take a minute's silence for what the British public has done to us.

(...and I don't have the heart to even get into my conspiracy theory that Big Brovaz were deliberately kept out of the final 2 in MYMU because their song actually contravenes the EBU rules for song submission, having been available as a demo in early 2006)

MY MOO

2007-03-16T02:50:00.000Z

Honest to God though. Seriously though…

Last but (not?) least.

After remaining silent on the carry-on that is about to occur in Maidstone (recently voted fifth most exciting place in Kent) I thought I should say something. I had originally noted some short reactions and was going to blog them, but then thought that a moment’s silence might be a better reaction. Here is what I first thought on first hearing the 30 second clips:

Big Brovaz: ‘Big Bro Thang’. One of the only songs to have any impact on me, it may be too credible for Eurovision. Hard to believe, I know. If we were going to send the sainted Morrissey though…

Cyndi: ‘I’ll Leave My Heart’. Sounds like ‘You Raise Me Up’ which sounded like ‘Oh Danny Boy’ and that had taken its melody from the ‘Derry Air’. My concentration didn’t cover the full 30 seconds: I had clicked on a youtube clip of an i-pod being blended before Cyndi had finished.

Brian Harvey: ‘I Can’ Too earnest and too high, even for Eurovision.

Liz McClarnon: ‘(Don’t it make you) Happy!’ Not really jackie, no.

Hawkins and Brown: They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To’. Has the potential to go somewhere beyond the 30 second clip. Alarmingly, publicity shots indicate that since his days in the Darkness, Justin has seen the light and discovered hair-straightners.

Scooch: ‘Flying the Flag (For You)’. And all my hope is gone. After being teased with one end of the musical spectrum (the mighty Morrissey), I have a sinking feeling that the Great British Public will opt for the other end and send this. Oh dear.

Since these hasty opinions, I have heard the full songs and have realised that again I have been quick to judge. BURN IT ALL!!! I have a sneaking regard for Liz, 'They Don't Make 'Em' is a grower and I agree with most of the opinions expressed by Carlytime on Cyndi. However, I fear that in a year with one of the strongest Eurovision fields ever, none of these will get the UK anywhere. It would be nice to go down with some dignity, but unlike Carlytime, I think that most of Europe will not give two flying juicies where Cyndi comes from and those that do may actually be of the ‘Slap Her, She’s French’ mindset. The only one that I couldn't bring myself to listen to in full was Scooch. If this wins, it will easily be the most offensive offering in this years Eurovision and the best chance we've had of getting nul points since Jemini did it in 2003. It could even register a minus score.

The Big Brovaz entry is still a stand out track for me but has become subject of some speculation that it had its first airing in early 2006, long before rules allow. The Eurovision rule book on the shelf is always repeating itself. If this is proven, what happens if it wins? It can’t go to Eurovision and the Beeb can’t even rig the vote like in the good old days and send whatever it likes. Those bastards Richard and Judy have spoiled it for everyone. Look at what they started. There are independent auditors everywhere. Big fat face Eamon Holmes can’t get peace to eat his two dinners. We can’t even fool a few children without the indignity of having Zoe Salmon thrust in our faces to tell us she’s wile sorry. Are they going to wheel her out to apologise for Father Christmas as well? I wonder how long it is before Javine sues Girls Aloud for a share of their earnings. As rigging the vote is no longer an option, maybe the BBC can contact Endemol for tips on how to edit a programme to get the results that you need to save face. I’m sure there must be a chapter on this in a Media Studies text book somewhere.

Sure, we make the best music in the world here in the UK and we don’t have anything to prove to anyone and we don’t take that aul’ thing seriously, so it doesn’t matter. Ha ha ha. Happy St Paddy’s.

Here is the Irish entry instead:

Honest to God, though. Seriously, though.

2007-03-15T17:22:00.000Z

UK citizens, what I am about to write below demands your full attention. It may make for difficult reading, but I genuinely have your best interests at heart.

I honestly (to God, though. Seriously, though) believe that you should VOTE FOR CYNDI in the UK's "Making Your Mind Up" national final (BBC1, 7.30pm). And, in the words of my dear Simon Cowell, "I'll tell you why":

1. Dignity - This is something that goes more than a little way in the voting when the Eurovision final comes round. Many people are deluded into thinking that the sparklier and slaggier the performance, the bigger the score. This is incorrect. If your song is slaggy, it also needs to be good to climb the scoreboard. Go figure - it's not called the Eurovision Song Contest for the craic. And having listened to the songs on offer from MYMU 4, none really display this critical combination. Cyndi's ballad might seem too safe, but I'd rather be wearing sensible shoes in a Volvo estate than riding a motorcycle in a tiara and a thong. D'ya get me?
2. Difference - Now, here's the thing. In one of our regular late-night Euroconferences, Mr Thompson pointed out that there are very few ballads in this year's line-up for Helsinki. Even Ireland and Malta, the Mariah and Whitney of Eurovision slow numbers, have produced reasonably mid-tempo songs this year. There's a niche to be filled. Ok, it doesn't always pay off to send in an old slushy number (cf Glennis Grace and poor old Lise Darly in 2005) but Cyndi's "I'll leave my heart" has a simplicity that could really be a strength. And please don't even THINK about dismissing me with "but it's a complete rip-off of Loch Lomond and You Raise Me Up". For a start, "You Raise Me Up" is a complete rip-off of Danny Boy. What goes around comes around. Furthermore, there was more than a nod to "Loch Lomond" in BK's "Every Song..." of 2006 and it didn't do him any harm.
If we consider the only decent alternative to Cyndi in the MYMU selection, Justin Hawkins -

"Yes, yer man from The Darkness"
"Jeez, aren't they too famous to be in the Eurovision??"
"You are mistaken. The Darkness split years ago. He left the band - apparently he couldn't hack the fame - and then he
had all sorts of problems and went into rehab"
"God, I didn't know that. Well now the Eurovision thing makes
sense. Isn't it terrible how some people end up?"

- he would have a very similar glam-rock style competitor in Helsinki in the form of Sweden's The Ark. And the problem with that is that The Ark take a pretty basic arrangement and melody and make it sparkle with some witty lyrics, while "Hawkins and Brown" take some pretty good instrumentals and garnish them with the sounds of two of Alvin's chipmunk friends being disembowelled with a plastic spoon. I think that if I ever had the extreme misfortune to lose my mind and wreck the house, this is the music that the voices in my head would be singing as I smashed the plates against the wall.
3. Dijon - Well, I needed to stick with the 3 "Ds", didn't I? I don't even know whence Cyndi hails, but it's somewhere in France, and besides I like mustard. Anyway, I think this is an important, but not crucial, factor in why Cyndi would help to revive the floundering state of the UK in Eurovision. Let's all agree on something: the UK is not popular in Europe. We don't need to go into the whys and wherefores, but what better way to improve the chances of some neighbourly votes from the other side of La Manche than to put one of their own forward as our representative in Helsinki? I don't think this can be underestimated. EBU viewers like nothing more than a big lets-join-hands-round-the-world gesture to set the heart alight. A French singer for the UK would do nicely - also forming a pretty neat mirror to Les Fatals Picards Frenchman-pretending-to-be-English-trying-to-sing-in-French.

Now, read all that and tell me that you think Scooch should go through "because Eurovision is all about having a laugh". It won't be funny when I turn up at your door and glue those headphones to your ears with Mando's "Never Let You Go" on loop. Don't push me.Please vote wisely.

Meanwhile, back at Euromoments HQ...

2007-03-14T00:06:00.000Z

This is my moment.

This is my Euromoment.

With you.

Not so long ago, I hit the wall. Eurofriends, you know what I mean. That moment when you've seen so many MP3s and YouTube clips, quarter-finals, semi-finals, second chances and wildcards that you can't see how you're going to make it through, but you know that there's no way back. So, I took myself across the pond to the place that gave birth to 1970's Eurovision victor - she who is known as Dana Domestic - to seek solace and inspiration.

I made it. The breakthrough happened when I stood atop the Cliffs of Moher at sunset, with the ice cold coastal winds practically whipping the skin off my face. My first thought was not concern for my complexion, or my safety at the top of a 200m sheer drop in gale force gusts. All I could think of was how spectacular it would be to have a gold lamé outfit with a 5x10m blue satin cape and a set of 5 backing dancers with flags. I then experienced what I can only describe as an epiphany when I realised Our Carola's true greatness - with only a few syringes of botox I, like her, could have prevented this eyewatering and face rippling. But that, my friends, is the difference between mortals and gods. And that is when I knew I was saved.

There's a lot to catch up on but I hope to return in a few days to post my thoughts on some of the last month's national selections - the good, the bad and the Bulgarian. It's good to be back.

I'm just the worrying kind...

2007-03-13T21:00:00.000Z

Various serveral weeks later after a deluge of national finals, semi finals and a spanish selection which had massiel declare live on set that they better pay her more or she was going home to her bed (rumour has it TVE executives stuck their fingers in their ears and went la la la), battered and bruised my musical sensitivities may be but we almost have a line-up... And the good news is that the moments of brilliance:silly mistakes ratio is in the black, and that bold statement comes prior to my indoctrination phase. I feel there is a bit of an imbalance with a lot of strong stuff in the semis with some unworthy ingrates cruising into the final without so much as a wind machine, so undoubtedly there will be some wailing, grinding of teeth and gnashing of bones come semi final night.

But it would seem a timely moment to focus on some highlights (not justin's, the attention would only encourage him, naughty step for erm... 34 minutes... NOW) and the worst cretchins. The earliest bookie odds have thrown up a few surprises and I am delighted to see that Georgia is faring favourably at this early stage. Despite performing with her head only just sticking out of an enormous pink cake with 5 individuals writhing underneath her bottom, sopho overcame these obstacles to bring her bjorky number to national victory and provide my personal favourite eurovision entry in years. Perennial bookie's choice Sweden's glam rock ditty gains so much from the charisma of its performers that I feel assuaged that this will more than compensate for the lyrical mastery lost on europe's non-english speakers. And if it comes to a head to head between frontman ola salo and yer man from the darkness, then i know whose highlights my kroner would be on. With dodgy French and really bad dancing (think recently divorced auntie in da vincis on the gin), Evridiki's song for Cyprus is great electro pop that i might like to wreck the room to some time. Let's just hope they get mando on the case to ensure she can NOT move on the night. Serbia's entrant has been described as a "woman who prefers comfortable shoes", but with a powerful balkan ballad in a field relatively devoid of slow numbers and more friendly neighbours than ever i would mark this as a sure-fire qualifier.

Bad eggs now. At the risk of being found in the morning with stillettos through my eyes, Denmark and Ukraine can slide on. The Danish song capitalises on every stereotype in gaydom to come up with a unique blend of self-congratulatory desperation. Eurovision dear? Gay dear? How VERY dare you. Meanwhile, with Ukraine's demented turbo-folk, you either get it or you don't. I don't. Croatia and Armenia's entries almost made me take up origami, and as for Norway... it's performed by a lady called Guri Scanke, so i don't even have to think up an insult.

Final word on the good ol' radio telefis reworking of the irish entry.... Basically a decent song to begin with, the transition was always going to be less radical that BK's shuffle, but they have predictably done a decent, if not phenomenal job. I think the bass underscore to the whistle intro works well, but the whole thing get too busy too quickly for me. Retaining the sparsity of the opening stanza for longer would give greater impact to the intro break and finale. Bodhran break could have been longer, but the finish is strong and cathy's vocal transplant seems to have worked a treat. But on the whole, this song has a timeless, anthemic quality which undeniably stands out from the crowd. Fingers crossed.

Smell Witches Burning...

2007-02-28T13:56:00.000Z

...Gets a little toasty.

www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/eurovision/2007/mymu

The conclusive proof that it is unnecessary to have the full facts before passing judgement.

When you say it's gonna happen "now", Well when exactly do you mean?

2007-02-28T00:10:00.000Z

You see I've already waited too long
...and all my hope is gone.

Now is today. D-day for the UK. Finally. Almost all my hope is gone but in spite of all the signs, I am still frantically clinging to the dream that there will be some decency in the UK selection for Eurovision. The unveiling of what lays in store is set to take place at a secret glamorous West End location later today. ‘Best Kebab’ on Charing Cross road then. I thought I should write now while a sliver of hope still exists and there is still a tiny window for speculation; (even though it looks like our collective fate is sealed). The big announcement has been a long time coming. I don’t think I could have coped with much more of a wait. The weeks of silence have driven me to crazy conspiracy and nightmares. At one point I thought that withdrawal might even be on the cards. Who could it be? The brilliant eurosite 'Whoops Dragovic' revealed Feb 28th as the date of the Big Beeb announcement and stated that “Su Pollard and Hambel from Play School are contractually obliged to keep shtumm until then”. One morning I woke up in a cold sweat after a terrible nightmare that Morrissey would not be involved at all and the ‘names’ taking part would be Michelle Heaton (of the X that is Liberty) and Ben (of the Factor that is X). If the rumour mill is to be believed, the truth is beyond what my warped subconscious could come up with. Reality is worse than nightmares. Vampires are alive...

Vera Drake first introduced herself to the embryo of hope with the announcement that the ‘Making Your Mind Up’ format would remain. “Cup of tea dear?”: It was then revealed that Morrissey would not be taking part. Cue Vera with another cup of tea: the first big name leak happened. Liz McClarnon of Atomic Pussy and ‘Love Island’ fame and Brian Harvey formerly of East 17 and briefly of ‘I’m No Longer a Celebrity Get Me In There’. “Take your knickers off dear”. It's not a completely lost cause. Su Pollard could still conceivably be in the final line up.

One of the last things I remember hearing about Brian Harvey was that he tried to run himself over with his own car. Surely he must be on suicide watch and they will stop him before he gets to the MYMU stage? I don’t have anything against has-beens. I’m not a has-beenist, honestly big bruffah, I’m not. Better a has-been than a never-was.

When the Morrissey frenzy broke, we were told by BBC sources that they were in talks with some high profile artists and that this year it would be a closed competition. The whole idea of going for ‘names’ is all well and good if that is what you manage to get. The mention of Morrissey and Scissor Sisters got us all excited and maybe led us to miss the point. It doesn’t matter how well known you are as long as you are not shite. I do not have a problem with Has-beens per se. The brilliant Katrina and her Waves could have been classed as such in 1997. Similarly, we don’t need names*. Some of the UK’s best and most successful entries have come from acts that were unknown before the contest, for example Gina G, Imaani, Jemini.

*potential song title?

The problem is that these days, if your main strategy is to go for names and you don’t get them, you run the risk of making the UK Eurovision final just another stop on the Whore Train Express of Celebrity Reality tv.

“Welcome aboard the 2:15 express service. We’d like to welcome aboard all not-enough-letters-in-the-alphabet list celebrities who will do anything to get their bakes on th’ telly. Even if this means, locking yourselves up in a mental asylum with a bunch of racists, eating crocodile scrotum or….eeeekk: competing to represent the UK at Eurovision.”

Just eaten kangaroo arse in the Australian out back? Next stop the UK Eurovision selection! The only thing that could possibly be more humiliating for a UK celebrity. See Jordan. What annoys me is that they would rather eat Kangaroo arse first. It is unfair that MYMU seems to be the final stop on the whore-train express, the last spasm in the corpse of a career. As excruciating as those three minutes can be, at least you know that it definitely won’t last any longer than that. Unless of course, you have the misfortune of winning. Masticating about with bugs and testicles can take a lot longer than 180 seconds. Surely this is more demeaning? I suppose I have missed the point again: it doesn’t matter how horrid what they are doing is as long as there is a camera there and they are exposed for as long as possible. It reminds me of ‘The Hopefuls’ segment on 90s TV show ‘The Word’. Let’s Limbo!

I can’t say that I blame Morrissey for not wanting to line up for the whore train.

Please someone think of the music. Think of the children. For the love of God, someone think of the Children.

Come on BBC! The French have managed to come up with a National Final with good quality songs with varied styles and entertaining performers. France is a country where the Contest undoubtedly has a lower profile and where it would be seen as vulgar to make any effort to do well at something so frivolous.

Jonathan King did some good work with the UK selection and managed entertaining diverse finals before he became a paedophile, notably in 1995, so it can be been done.

One of my main conspiracy theories on why it has taken so long for a UK announcement was that they were holding out for Lisa Scott Lee to get put out of ‘Dancing on Ice’. As long as it wasn’t with a Ice Skate in the head, they would wheel her out for MYMU. My sources tell me that she went out on Saturday. Oh dear.

Let’s try and be optimistic about what is going to be revealed later on today. They turned down last year’s representative Daz Sampson, with a song he had written for Carol Dekker from T’pau. This is a good sign. If I was in charge, and was scrabbling around in the dust after having put all my eggs in Morrissey, I would have bitten his hand off. There must be more than one basket.

Reason for optimism number two: We are safe from Pat Butcher mini-me, Jo O’Meara. I think she is ‘recovering’ from nervous exhaustion somewhere. Unless of course the reason for the UK delay is that at this very moment they are putting the finishing touches to some rip off of ‘Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist Sometimes’. Or, perhaps a more contrite original offering in the style of ‘Let’s all join hands in Essex, India and Japan…’
Wait a minute. That is actually is not that implausible. If she turns up at Best Kebab I will be raging.

Reason to be optimistic number three: With Jessica Fletcher style cunning, I checked Mr Harvey’s diary to see if there was any mention of Euro. May the jury please look at exhibit A, copy and pasted from his official website:

5th February 2005 Butlins, Bognor Regis No Information Available
12th February 2005 Hull University No Information Available
25th February 2005 The Casbah, Swindon No Information Available
26th February 2005 M20, Ashford No Information Available
19th March 2005 Brighton Racecourse No Information Available
15th April 2005 Butlins, Bognor Regis No Information Available
8th May 2005 Butlins, Bognor Regis No Information Available

Surely with such a gruelling tour schedule he wouldn’t be able to fit in MYMU, never mind a stop in Hellsinki? Could it all be a Tissue of Lies? Wait just another cock-a-doody minute, I have just realised that those tour dates were from TWO YEARS AGO! Unless Brian doesn’t know what year it is, we’re in a lot of trouble. Not only is he free, but he’s been free since May 2005.

In spite of the fact that the anticipation for the Uk as been gradually turning into doom, elsewhere things are looking up:

The Swedes have done it again with the mind-boggling Melodifestivalen national final epic that contains not just one but about a half a dozen songs that could win the entire Eurovision. Even some (see for example Magnus Carlsson) that have already fallen to the wayside would be a relief as the British entry. Perhaps we could come up with some sort trade agreement with Sweden whereby they send us their National Final rejects and they get…well…What do we have that the Swedes would want? Ummm… Maybe we could just have it so that if you get knocked out of Melodifestivalen as a booby prize you automatically represent the UK.

Iceland is sending an aging rocker who represented Norway in 1991 as part of the group ‘Just 4 Fun’ singing about my missus. Quite a dated song and look (at The Eurovision Song Contest??!! Surely not!!), but there is something about it that appeals to me. Perhaps it is the return of a familiar face, or that the whole thing doesn’t seem pretentious, contrived or over staged. Let’s face it, achieving this level of dignity at our favourite event is rare but not so difficult. You just have to not strip, not wear a mask and not have a trapeze artist. You would think that would be easy but most competitors slip up on at least one of these.

As mentioned, after last year's poor result, France Télévisions have really gone to town and put in a lot of effort. I recently stumbled across the blog of Elizabeth Vincentilli. You know, Elizabeth. She appears to be an American, working as the Arts and Entertainment Editor for Time Out New York. Incredibly,in between musing on the duty of theatre-goers to "battle preconceptions when watching a performance" (as a Eurovision observer, I think I know what she is getting at), trips to MOMA and dealing with such questions as "Does Understatement befit Macbeth?" (sesly) she gives a very insightful account of the French selection process in her blog 'The Determined Dilettante'. Wot?! In the word of her countrywoman the Menounos: *Amazing*. God only knows. Anyway, the most important decision France faces this year is here. Slide on Ségolène. Presidential Race Smezidential Race.

Georgia are debuting with a very talented chicky. One of her potential songs 'My Story' is probably (warning: look away now if you don’t want to witness blasphemy) too good for Eurovision. Silly debut countries, thinking this is a song contest. They will learn soon enough to send cack with costume changes and pyrotechnics.

Carola did Madrid. Went down a storm. Diego’s whereabouts are unknown.

What we feared would be (at best) another edition of the bland leading the bland as Kenny Dead took Dervish through the motions and to the bottom of the scoreboard, turned out much better than we had ever hoped. Eurosong 2007 produced a song that has the potential to be the best Irish entry for 10 years.

STOP THE PRESS!!!
I know I am going on a bit. I must apologise to the three people who read this (that includes a big apology to myself). Sorry. I have written more than intended as I have done it in a few sittings. Since being away from my post, just a little more seepage has come our way from the haunted doughnut. Rumours that do not have me heading for the nearest oven. Talk is of The Puppini Sisters and Big Bruvas. These groups are ‘Reality Clean’ as far as I am aware, the urine samples also seem to corroborate this. It also seems that the reason for waiting so long, to practically the last possible moment has a credible and logical explanation. It was not to drive us to distraction. They were not scrabbling round in the dirt after the dearly departed Morrissey either. But rather trying to wrong foot ITV in the scheduling. If all had been revealed you can bet your bottom dollar those Commercial, Capitalist Television Bastards would have rustled up a special edition of ‘Paedo Stars in their Eyes’ or moved the final of ‘Dancing on Ice’ to crush Euro.
In more positive breaking news I heard a Brian Harvey song on his MySpace page, and it did not make my ears bleed. His voice sounded… well actually very good. I won’t eat my hat (or delete this entire entry) just yet, but it seems that things may not be as bad as we had feared.

So what have I learned about jumping the gun and going off on a rant of various several paragraphs all over the place? Not to judge before I have the full facts? Maybe I should have waited to see what the BBC have come up with before spewing out such judgemental vitriol. Nah. BURN THE WITCH!

I will leave you with a eurotube of what is (alongside the aforementioned Georgian song) my favourite to come out of this year’s selections so far. It is a funnier, more eloquent explanation than I could give for my silly obsession and panic over UK Eurovision selection. Bloody Scandos, with their superior grasp of the English language.

Swedish MF Finalists 'The Ark' with 'The Worrying Kind'.

This is the closest thing to cowshit I have ever seen…

2007-02-13T02:29:00.000Z

...Feeling 52, acting seventeen.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid.
Well, at least a little anxious anyway.

In my last post I stated that by taking on Carola, Diego (competitor in Spanish Eurovision selection process ‘Misíon Eurovisíon’) clearly did not know what he was messing with. This was the last thing that I did before being struck down by a mysterious illness. It appears that it is I who did not know The Force that I was dealing with. As soon as I had clicked the ‘post’ button, Our Carola who art in Sweden, got to work with some sort of me-shaped voodoo diarrhoea doll. On reflection, I’m not quite sure how that would work. But it did. I have only just recovered. Every word is watched (and this is a blog that seems impossible to find by google or any other means). If this were not evidence enough, She is dusting off her bible as we speak and IS on the next flight out to Madrid. It is not long announced that The Haggkvist is to perform the song of her second coming (“Fångad av en Stormvind”, or as we like to say in English “Captured by a Love Storm”) at the Misíon Eurovisíon Grand Final. Somebody’s going to be captured by something before the night is out. Let’s hope customs have the sense to do a full body cavity search and get that pot plant out of her. Sadly, Diego has not made it to the final. I doubt that this will matter much. There is no escape. *I have been shitting myself all week. Literally.

*“It’s getting very exshiteing Pat. Isn’t it?” (Ronan Keating school of pronunciation).

As the excitement grows into a frenzy, here is a quick review of some of the songs that were chosen at the weekend.

Norway: Beyond cliché 2002 rip off. Little risk of escape from the semi-final. Hopefully. Remove the central ‘r’ for Norway’s chances. Watch it here.

After spending the entire Norwegian performance wondering when it would be over (even though there was a You Tube countdown clock and all Eurovision songs last 3 mins max), I had my hopes pinned on Denmark.

Denmark: Beyond cliché 2002 rip off. Little risk of escape from the semi-final. Hopefully. Remove the 'enm' to see how this selection day will be viewed. Watch it here.

Oh dear.

However, there is a pattern to my Eurovision year. I hear the songs for the first time. I am disappointed. 50 listens later I have lost all sense of discretion and I am clapping along with the best of them. The problem with both of these is that the itching to get to the end of them was so intense that I am convinced that I will never voluntarily listen to these songs again outside live Eurovision broadcasts. I also watched failed Norwegian finalists and “EBU worriers”, ‘Dusty Cowshit’ to see what might have been. In a textbook display of “you want what you can’t have” and “the grass is always greener” I thought this was far better craic and, in my opinion a better song than the eventual winner. I think I would have taken my chances with any kind of cowshit over these two.

Romania: A departure from their very good last few dancy entries that all made me want to get up and go out dancing in 1992. Well only the last two really, Sanda wasn’t very good, I admit. This is a Romany style ‘um pa pa’, quickening with each verse to a frantic finish, making me want to go out in London in the 1800’s with Nancy from ‘Oliver!’. If this multi-lingual, blokey, clap along is performed well it is bound to be a crowd pleaser. Fan reactions appear to be equally split between disbelief and horror. Time will tell if Euroexperts are out of step with the general European viewing public. Again. Watch it here.

And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to cowshit and being close to you.

The Reason that Carola Doesn't Like the Gays

2007-02-05T14:21:00.001Z

And Spain continues its Eurovision Mission, doing its bit to bring about another 'big four' bottom four result in 2007. This young man is a genuine contender in the Spanish search for their Eurovision Performer this year. I find it hard to believe there was no Spanish Simon Cowell or Iberian 'Wicked Witch of the Walsh' to stop him getting as far as a studio performance and a public vote. Surely this is a joke? If it's not, fair fucks to him. I would LOVE to have had the balls and necessary lack of any self awarness to have done this. He claims to be a fan of the Haggkvist, but he really seems to have no idea of the Force that he his meddling with. I just hope for all our sakes, (but mainly for his) that Carola NEVER finds out about this. She'll be on the next flight out to Madrid with a gun or a pot plant. Failing that she'll take her spell book, sorry, Bible and will carry out a 'Dehomofication' ceremony on poor Diego. Complete with the traditional laying on of hands and chants of "Homo be gone!". Praise Him! Extraordinary.

I am human and I need to be loved...

2007-01-31T00:43:00.000Z

...Just like everybody else does.
After the initial furore in the UK press over the sainted Morrissey, we haven't heard a peep out of the Beeb since. While the rest of Europe explodes in an orgasm of song, the UK has fallen silent. One of my favourite Google searches at the moment is typing in the three words 'girls', 'aloud' and 'eurovision', on the off chance that some conspiracy speculation page will provide some thread of hope that I will "get what I want".(please? please?). On my most recent google I came across yet another article about Morrissey (you can read it here). The most interesting info gleaned however had nothing to do with him. It appears that at least one other person has spotted the achingly obvious answer to who the BBC should approach for Helsinki: the pop perfection song writing machine that is Brian Higgings and Miranda (one of Gina G's Oohh..Ahh 1996 backing dancers) Cooper: Xenomania. Time will tell if anyone with any sway at the 'Haunted Doughnut' has come to the same realisation, or if it was reached by one lonely Times media correspondent. Come on BBC. Give me some love. Girls Aloud may be a dream as impossible as Glennis', but surely no more implausible than the 'Pope of Mope'.

Maybe silence isn't a bad thing. No news is good news. I fear that this silent anticipation may be the most enjoyable stage of the BBC selection process. The announcement of the real 'names' and selection format may have us yearning for the silent treatment.

At least the dignified (read: we don't give a shitified) silence from the world's first broadcaster means there is one less country to worry about keeping up with. Every song is a cry for less songs. I come from a simple time. A time before the internet. Before a semi final every three minutes. Before the now traditional explosion of Euro Juice from December on. I come from a time when the entire build up was a few sheets of photocopied A4 and preview show a fortnight before the contest. Even that wasn't shown most years. I don't know if I can manage this avalanche of europop, opinion and debate. (I have just realised that every word I write is directly contributing to what I am whinging about.) I may have to lie down in a darkened room and have my assistants hand me tipsheets with breaking news in managaeble amounts. Written on a paper so that we know. Or move to Italy. Or to the UK for that matter. Problem solved.

PORTUGAL

2007-01-30T14:55:00.000Z

In response to a comment, Portugal's national selection this year is coming up on 2nd March, and I'll try to offer my impressions then... but I can safely say that the only way is up for Portugal in the contest, after a dismal recent run.

ICELAND

2007-01-30T14:28:00.000Z

This is going to be relatively quick and painless. I have exposed my ears to the songs in the third semifinal of the Icelandic selection. You can find all the songs here.

I have picked two songs that I think are deserving of progression to the final:

Ég og heilinn minn - Ragnheiður Eiríksdóttir - After my initial shock that a look-a-likey Carlytime is vying to cross the ESC stage for Iceland, I can report that this is quite a nice, upbeat ditty with a very pleasing melody and a strong chorus. It's not really the kind of thing I would normally go for, having a sort of 60s, Itchykoo Park feeling to it, but somehow it really hooks you in from the start. She's got a kooky little voice in which the Icelandic sounds very charming - I'm reminded of fellow Icelandic band Mum in terms of voice quality despite the big difference in musical style - and I can see this making an impact in Helsinki. Everyone is raving for the return of 2003's Jonsi and I'm really not buying it. I think his song is as dull as ditchwater and last time he completely overcooked the emotion on the performance. Let's have some fun instead.
Vetur - Helgi Rafn Ingvarsson - Here comes the "dignity vote". This is a simple but rather beautiful song, sensitively arranged and performed. I anticipate we'll have a meek blonde guy at the piano, rather like Norway 2003, and it could possibly cut across the inevitable string of ethnopop and rock (thanks to Lordi) that will dominate the contest in Helsinki.

If either of these two made it to Helsinki for Iceland, I would be delighted. I think they're both superior to Blomaborn, my favourite from semifinal 1 - my impression of that took a knock when I watched the live performance. Fingers crossed...

DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND...

2007-01-23T14:31:00.000Z

.. what have you done? The three contenders for the guaranteed Grand Final spot in Helsinki have just been published online. You can find the audio files from here, if you dare expose your ears.

Basically, these are a sorry disappointment from Germany. Things were really looking up in 2006 with Texas Lightning, who deserved to finish in a much better position in Athens. However, this national selection final looks like a survival of the blandest. Roger Cicero's song, Women rule the world, is a Michael Buble style swing number with an alright melody and an okay orchestration. I haven't quite deciphered the lyrics from the 2 listens I've given it, but I suspect that the content would have feminists all over Europe throwing their rosehip teas at the screen on May 12th - let's just say he's not singing about Kanzler Angela and Condie Rice in this little ditty about sweetness and long legs.

Monrose's Even Heaven Cries is about the blandest of the three, but strangely it could actually work quite well in Eurovision, if there were a live orchestra. There's already an orchestral accompaniment on the track which could really be accentuated for the live performance, with beefy bass swells from the lower strings on the chorus. This is the best of a bad bunch.

Someone quite sharp on esctoday.com pointed out that the opening of Die Welt ist Pop bears more than a passing resemblance to the Stones' Start Me Up. However, Heinz Rudolf Kunze could have done with copying a bit more from Jagger and friends. This is sh*t. And I simply don't understand why someone would submit a Eurovision song that has a fade out. What's he going to do - start creeping off the stage at 2:50, holding the mic gradually further and further from his mouth until he achieves silence on the 3-minute mark? Give me a break.

I really hope the other "Big Four" nations can give us something to be happy about.

POLAND

2007-01-22T18:08:00.000Z

I have spent some of my happiest moments over a plate of pierogi or a bottle of Zywiec, and so I always reserve a little space in my affections for the Polish national selection. However, my confidence in this loveliest of nations has taken a knock (actually, make that several blows with a sledgehammer) in recent years after a spate of questionable offerings on the ESC stage. I'll acknowledge a certain fondness for the nasal tones and high-kicking raunchiness of Blue Cafe in 2004, but 2005's grease-soaked folk offering was a real "one listen is enough- two means death" special. The 2006 return of Ich Troje was a big disappointment. I knew all was lost when the female lead singer's pregnant belly was violently disrobed as some sort of touching song finale.

Anyway, that's all by the by... the very good news is that it is Polish national selection time once again. And, after listening to the ten finalists, I am...wait for it... HOPEFUL.

It was a lovely Monday morning treat to find all ten Polish final videos here here for my enjoyment. I will summarise those that I think are good AND stand a chance of selection.

Bikini - Don't Judge Me - I like this. So shoot me. It's a nice little angst-rock number by an all-female 3-piece which adopts a style reminiscent of mid-9os Aerosmith offerings. I don't think it will cut the mustard in Helsinki, so I'm not gunning for a win here. Anyway, they'd have to cut out a few choice words before the grand final and that might take the edge off a bit. It's worth a look for the video alone, which attempts to recreate Avril Lavigne's Complicated mall rampage but ends up with something a lot more like Tiffany(I think we're alone now)'s mid-80s mall concert for kids. My favourite bit is when the three of them pan past the camera as they ride backwards up an escalator. Not a bad effort overall.
Natasza Urbanska - I like it loud - This has a big chance to go all the way to the Helsinki grand final. This is a modern, well thought-out pop stomper that has obviously taken very close note of what is popular in Eurovision. Strong beats, a beautiful girl, a bit of attitude, plenty of scope for a good dance routine and, for the grannies and geeks, some overweight squares playing brass instruments. The video is just too hyperactive for such a self-assured song, but that is the only thing acting against Natasza. The only thing that puts me off is that it's almost too obvious. You know, this one has a certain gimmick to it (the shouted interjections, the brass band) and I'd like to see a more straightforward song go through. We'll see...
Vino - Come in my heart - I agree, it's a title that gains more than it loses in translation. Unfortunate. But, if you can see past the innuendo (can you? can you really?), then this is a nice, understated rock ballad with pleasant instrumentation and a good melody. It probably doesn't stand a bottle of chardonnay's chance in Jackie Stallone's minibar, but given the recent fervour for rock in Lordi's 2006 winner, you never know.

That's it for now. I'm off to devote all of my attention to the Belarussian national final, currently being streamed on t'internet. I have so far enjoyed a performance in Russian by Carola Haggvist. Is there anything this woman can't do? Of course it is possible that the holy spirit is speaking through her in tongues.

Good night and God bless.

The story so far

2007-01-16T21:31:00.000Z

Firstly, I must say how metropolitan it makes me feel to be considered part of a north london eurovision collective. Since I live the life of a provincial humbug in Cambridge, the title makes me feel like a ryanair airport. The rustlings of pseudonews regarding semi-quarter-pre-pre-prequalifiers announce that the silly season is about to begin. This is generally bad news for my professional life, home life and personal hygiene as what free moments i can muster shall be spent readjusting whatever frame of reference of musical taste that i ever claimed to have had to listen to 150 ukranian qualifiers for the organisers to choose something that wasn't amongst them in the first place. I'm still bitter about that.

However, certain early birds have caught even me by surprise. From the brink of allowing loca boca choca the to resound forever in our innocent ears as their second and final contribution to our favourite festival of european haute-culture, imminent withdrawl suddenly turned into a national final, with three songs shortlisted that would have got Pat Kenny's formaldehyde imbued toes tapping. Whilst i strongly advocated the return of Zdob si zdub with space cowbow, seasoned performers with a perfect blend of ethnokitsch with just enough of a twist of hip-hop to stand out from the crowd, the moldovans begged to differ and opted for Natalia Barbu, telling us to "fight". Judging by the cut of her, i wouldn't be up for it. After the mortal sin that was that song-that-shall-not-be-named (ok, i already did about 8 lines ago) I braced myself for the worst. However, if "fight" was in the irish final, i would actually have been delighted. It is a decent, well produced, totally unoriginal but very commercial offering which owes more than a few quid to Evanescence. OK, the lyrics are naff and gramatically questionable (Never let nobody in, and step right on your dream) but who's checking? A favourable draw and good performance could see this qualify.

Albania were pipped at the post by Natalia, but the now traditional early birds still got their song picked and aired (and hung out to dry if the reactions on esctoday are anything to go by) before christmas. It seems a long time since little Anjeza Shahini tottered across their national final stage in silence to announce "menyemenyah" to rapturous applause before treating her audience to the original albanian version of her song, "you are the bum". In contrast, this year's entry seems to have been savaged in most quarters. I actually quite like it, particularly the haweeyawee intro which then gives way to an impassioned, if rather pained performance. It has a earnestness about it which many of todays eurohits (oh what a difference a letter can make) seem to lack, yet diaspora voting aside, i can't see this making the grade for the final. Unless of course, the performers defect to FYR Macedonia; but then again if i represented them by eating my own head live on stage whilst beating a saucepan, i'd be in the eurovision final too.

Conspiracy Theories

2007-01-16T10:44:00.000Z

It has often been said that The Corrs were made for Eurovision, but somehow they've resisted. I'm told they're still selling records somewhere, which usually all but disqualifies UK and Ireland acts from participating. However, my suspicions of a 2007 appearance on the ESC stage have been roused by no fewer than THREE playings of Corrs songs in the Rovers Return during the last week. Are we having The Corrs gently massaged into our subconscious by the British media, in preparation for our favourite honorary MBEs to raise the flag for the UK in Helsinki? Or did Steve McDonald pluck the Unplugged album from Woolworths' bargain basket for his mammy's Christmas present?

Speaking of The Corrs, my tip to win the first heat of the Icelandic selection is a lovely wee ditty called "Blómabörn" by Bríet Sunna Valdemarsdóttir. Check it out here. Very Corrs-esque, I would say, and reminiscent of Birgitte's "Open Your Heart" of 2003. Not an ESC winner, though.

Please, please, please let me get what I want

2007-01-15T11:47:00.000Z

So, is Morrissey really what I wanted? The UK National Selection is a topic that has dogged the minds of your bloggers over recent months. Despite a series of disappointing results in the ESC, the majority of the show's UK viewers still comfort themselves that Eurovision is just a chance to have a chuckle at all those silly Europeans anyway (Dear British citizens: Which continent is the UK in exactly?) . Well, that's all got a bit difficult. There we were in 2003, praising the glorious advent of Turkish ethno-pop, while one half of a little-known Liverpudlian duo strutted around like a faulty Tina Turner robot and made our ears bleed by singing a semitone out the whole way through their aching 3-minute performance. In 2004, a young man in a powder blue suit, who could best be described as dead behind the eyes, encouraged us to "Hold On". Oh, we tried... and while 2006's Manc in a yellow anorak captured our hearts, a thirty-something rapper with a clutch of Martine McCutcheon-esque schoolgirls was never going to set the the scoreboard alight. Particularly not when MTV Europe's Russian Act of 2006 was numbered against his opponents. The tables have turned - the UK is the joke of Eurovision. There we are we a host of top-selling International artists and we can't even rustle up one of them for a 3-minute performance in front of millions. Shouldn't they be jumping at the chance?

The BBC is promising to raise the calibre of artist for 2007, and they've whet our appetite with talk of negotiations with Morrissey. No doubt he's a fine songwriter - one of the best - and at least we've all bloody heard of him. And crucially, as far as we know, he was never a contestant in a reality TV show. Sounds good. However, I get the feeling there was a middle ground that the UK could have occupied in their quest for recognition in Europe. Eurovision isn't going to go wild for credibility alone. This is a contest that likes nothing better than a toe-tapping, catchy pop anthem - see Sertab 2003, H Pap 2005, Carola and Dima Bilan 2006. And we've got this stuff by the bucket-load in the UK. Not only have we got loads of it - we have the best, in the form of Girls Aloud, Sugababes, Jamelia... The most exciting music coming out of the UK currently is not the myriad, here-today-gone-tomorrow, floppy-haired teenage pseudo-intellectuals of Razorlight and The Kooks. It's the sound of edgy, sassy, unashamed thumping dance floor fillers like The Show, Red Dress, Love Machine - the kind of stuff that will cruise to the top of the scoreboard in Helsinki, and to the top of every iTunes playlist in Europe. So let's not overshoot the mark for 2007 - unless we want to languish in the bottom half of the results board for another year.

God Bless Euromoments and all those who sail in her...

2007-01-05T15:14:00.000Z

Let the self indulgence begin...

I name this ship: Euromoments

2007-01-05T11:11:00.000Z

welcome. i still haven't decided whether having my own blog is no more than a ridiculous self-indulgence that, at best, will end after six months with zero comments and my head in the oven. however, i've convinced myself that i have something to say. after all, there are only about a million other websites that concern themselves with that celebrated grand prix of song and culture that is the Eurovision Song Contest. and, in my opinion, that is one too few.

let's just see what happens. happy 2007 - only 127 days to go.